And all is right with the world

[ebonlock]

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I got a decent night's sleep last night. Life is good. I think my chipper mood is at least due in part to a lovely evening last night. I so adore having an excuse to spend time with the lively, witty, charming folks who make up my social group. I also received hugs aplenty, which always makes me happy. I must remember to wear my velvet tops more often, it encourages petting as well *G*

Of course how can an evening go wrong when it starts with the delightful cyranocyrano? That is, of course, rhetorical. And then of course there was the long anticipated kirbyk sighting, it really had been far too long since we'd had an excuse to see one another. Oh and the Chrises were in attendance as well and their usual warm and charming selves. The presentation itself of the new Everguard system was impressive. I'm afraid a good portion of it went over my head, but I think I gleaned the important stuff and will send a link to our IT guys to see if they'd be interested, or know of anyone who will. I have a very good feeling about this endeavor, I really do.

It was also nice to make a few plans for Saturday with the enchanting tersa as well, though fatigue drove her away far too early last night. I get to spend some quality time with her tomorrow, though, and that makes me very happy. And getting to spend some time with h0h0 tonight is sort of icing on the cake.

It's always surprising to me how a week can start off poorly and then end up so beautifully. Life is funny, and strange, and sublime sometimes.

Crunches: 90
State of Englightenment: Moderate

Comments

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear that, hon, is there anything I can do to help?

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Eh, probably not, but thanks. I was just deeply in a funk, for unclear reasons, but I'm feeling a hell of a lot better today. Got all the misery out of my system, or something, and, well, after immersing myself in Bridget Jones' life, mine looks considerably better. Well, except for not having my own Mark Darcy or Colin Firth lookalike, but you can't have everything. ^_~

Woke up way early, have my stuff packed for the weekend, and am all ready for the road trip. If I can just find something I'll be happy wearing for the concert tomorrow, all should be well. A Sharks win on Saturday would certainly help, though--I'll have to hope I can catch some of the game

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

It sounds like you're going to have such a glorious time this weekend that it'll knock away the rest of the blues. As for the Sharks, I think prayer is our only recourse on this one, it's going to take some serious divine intervention. I'll talk to my gods, I suggest everyone do the same.

But if you get into a funk like that again and want to talk, email me or call, ok?

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Heh. Shopping blues may appear for awhile, but maybe the lost 10 lbs will make me happier in that respect. ^_^ And all I need to find is a shirt this time, as I've still got the fabulous black jeans from the last trip.

As for the game...man. We really need to win it, but being an afternoon game, I just don't know if we can. I'm nothing like religious, these days, but I'll find something to pray to. Go, boys, go!

And thanks--I tend to pull into myself when I'm down (or angry) these days, because it's been thrown into my face enough times that nobody likes me when I'm unhappy that I'm a little hesitant to change that. I'm fairly good at pulling myself out of downswings, for the most part, but really appreciate the offer, and may take you up on it someday.

[ex-lucianus799.livejournal.com]

I tend to pull into myself when I'm down (or angry) these days, because it's been thrown into my face enough times that nobody likes me when I'm unhappy that I'm a little hesitant to change that.

Consider me very annoyed with anyone whose goodwill towards you is conditional upon you acting in a societally-approved manner. It really pissses me off when anyone tries to tell someone else how to feel, or how not to feel.

I'll always like you, even if seeing you sad makes me sad too and seeing you angry makes me hope that no lasting harm is done -- some people grow mean and spiteful when angry, but you handle your temper far better than anyone I know. I respect someone who can express anger without using it as an excuse to lash out.

But I totally understand you wanting to keep your emotions private, since there's not a whole lot of empathy from many of the people we know. And I certainly don't want to be presumptuous about getting you to tell me what's wrong and how I can fix it. You have closer friends for that.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I agree with luc on most of his points above, we all deal with our emotions differently, and needing to blow up or sulk from time to time shouldn't be considered an offense. It's human, and the worst thing a person can do to another is to try to convince them that they don't have a right to their feelings.

Of course I blame some of this on socialization, we live in a society where stoicism and rationality are the highest goals. And where women aren't supposed to either feel or express any kind of negative emotions. We're just supposed to be cheerful and nurturing, and people don't quite know what to do with us when we're not.

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

I've gotten very tired of the argument that I shouldn't feel the way I do, because it hurts other people...when it's generally because of other people, because of miscommunication or other problems or whatever. No, I don't have a right to make everyone else suffer when I'm unhappy, that's definitely a bad thing. But. I don't have control over how people are going to react to things, and it's also bullshit for me to blamed entirely because they're feeling a certain way. It's the refusal to acknowledge that, to realize that yeah, they've got issues too, that really makes me crazy.

Stoicism drives me bloody insane. All too often, it creates more hurt, and even more negative emotions, because everyone is sitting on whatever they feel, instead of actually talking about or working them out, and that just tends to make it all worse and bigger.

I'm generally a pretty up and happy person, but that doesn't make me always cheerful or able to deal with/handle things in a pleasing fashion. In high school, whenever I wasn't smiling, everyone assumed something horrible was wrong, because, well, that just wasn't my natural state. Uh. Right. Then I got snappy, and was in a grumpy mood, whereas before I just hadn't felt cheerful enough to be beaming at everyone. So that taught me that just covering my sorrows with fake smiles didn't do the job, either. Still striving for equilibrium, though I'm doing pretty damn well, I think

[mallen.livejournal.com]

We're just supposed to be cheerful and nurturing, and people don't quite know what to do with us when we're not.

You clearly have the vapors, mah deaah... why don't you lie down and allow your head to clear?

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Remind me to smack you the next time I see you *G*

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Well. I do tend to feel things very very strongly, and this seems to affect everyone around me, so I can't entirely blame people. And I did go through a period of a few months when I was angry at anything and everything, which is when things started to be thrown in my face, so I would guess it has something to do with overcompensation--"Oh god, she's angry again, it'll never stop," when I'm more or less back to normal. I blow up quickly and come back down quickly, too.

But. I don't like the feeling that I always have to be shiny-happy-cheerful, either, and that's part of why there are people I just don't hang out with much anymore. It's too bloody stressful, and when I'm stressed, I'm on edge, and more likely to get upset over things that I could normally brush off, which puts them on edge, and well. I'm much happier with my currently regular (well, as such things go--I seem to be back in butterfly mode, like during college) social crowd(s), which is better all around.

If nothing else, I'm certainly much more aware of my moods, and try to have some idea of what they're doing to people around me, so it's not all bad. Swift kicks tend to do me a lot of good, though they're not at all fun when administered unkindly.

As for my temper, you've never seen me angry at you, clearly (though I don't think I have been, in memory, so that's good). When I'm hurt by someone, I hurt back. I'm not as bad about this as I used to be, but my gut reaction is to lash out, which just creates more badness all around. Something else I'm working on, and think I have fairly decent control over these days, but then I haven't had to deal with someone really hurting me for awhile (v.g.). ^_~

But. As it is, I'm not sure I feel close enough to anyone to really dump on them/rant at them/whenever, when I'm upset. The butterfly thing, again, which is fun, but not always entirely satisfying. And also the "I feel things SO STRONGLY that everyone else gets to feel this way too," thing, which is something I don't have a lot of control over. I'm emotional, apparently in ways that other people pick things up fairly easily. I don't know where the line is there, where it's my fault, something I should fix, and other people's issues, which I'm inadvertently feeding.

Why am I so much more introspective/open here than my own damn page? ^_

[ex-lucianus799.livejournal.com]

I *like* that you feel things strongly. It makes you more real to me, and more trustworthy, than almost anyone else I know. I like that you're aware of your moods and their effects. It's something I don't do as well as I would like -- it takes me time to figure out *what* I'm feeling, much less why.

And you're right: it's a good call to not bother hanging out much with People That Can't Deal. Certain people lash out at anyone and everyone when they're angry at something that they're not willing to address. Some people don't know how to handle their anger, and it eats them up inside. I don't care to be around these people when they're stressed, though they might otherwise be decent company.

So if you're ever angry at me, I don't doubt that I probably deserve it. See, you actually TELL PEOPLE about the things that piss you off, but beyond that, you get angry at the SITUATION if it's a first offense. Most people who have a temper are far less forgiving. So you are an admirable person, in these and many ways.

Fix what you want to, and other peoples' issues really aren't your problem -- unless they're willing to face themselves and you've made a commitment to stand by them while they do.

It's a safe place here. There's dialog among friends who understand the difference between acceptance and codependence.

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

I'm blushing but look rather pleased, too. Thank you.

I'm afraid I did go through a period of lashing out at everyone when I was angry, though I'm definitely out of it now, thank god. I think what's most frustrating is that I seem to be unforgivable to some people now, that anytime I get even a tiny bit upset over anything, I'm going back to that total-constant-anger phase, and it's just not true. Just not worth trying to redeem myself anymore, I guess, but I'll tell myself it's their loss. ^_^

It's probably a good thing, overall, that I've never been good at holding things inside for too long; I'm a firm believer that it only makes things worse in the long run. Short sharp shock for me, please, not the long slow burn.

Anyway. I do really appreciate being able to rant a little, air some of what's been bugging me, and get some reinforcement that I'm doing good work on the emotional front. Thank you all, a lot

[ex-lucianus799.livejournal.com]

tell me what's wrong and how I can fix it

This part should be read as tongue-in-cheek since, as Ellie implied above, it's ultimately your decision when and whether to seek a friendly ear or to stand alone, and your friends should respect your wishes, that way.

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

> Nobody likes me when I'm unhappy
I'm sure this has already been said in comments that I've not gotten to reading yet, but I'm reacting very strongly and very emotionally to this statement and I can't wait to say that this is patently untrue. I like you because I like you. I don't like when you're unhappy, but that's because I want whatever is making you unhappy to stop doing it.
I managed to convince myself of the same bullshit line, when I was eight years old and just starting to realize that I had troubles with depression. So I learned how to act like everything was fine and look like a happy little cog spinning pleasantly in the giant machine and so NOBODY EVERY KNEW that anything was wrong.
I am still way too good at it and can't stop. And I hate it.

thanks

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Given reactions, my blanket statement seems to no longer be true; I'm pretty happy about this, since it means both that I'm doing well at dealing with my anger and emotions, and that I'm hanging out with people who are better for me.

So first off--thanks, y'all. I'll continue to try my best to keep a handle on my emotions, but it makes me feel a hell of a lot of relief that I won't immediately be cast out if I'm not always a happy bouncy thing.

I think I've dealt with something similar, Cyrano, covering up depression or unhappiness with a cheerful face, but at some point, I stopped doing that quite so much. Hence the issues with showing my anger or dissatisfaction or whatever wasn't acceptable. A lot of the time, everyone's too caught up in their own busyness or angst to properly notice or help out with other people's stuff, but I hope sometimes we're seeing if your smile isn't quite right, or at least that you know we're here to talk to