How many cans must I stack up to wash you out from my mind, out of my consciousness?

[ebonlock]

Sorry, I needed a break from the movie quotes so I think I'll try some song ones for a bit. I know, I know, how terribly cliche, but what are you gonna' do?

That refrain has been going through my mind a lot lately. I've been discussing a lot, and thus thinking a lot, about the past and relationships that have faded out of my life. I'm not very good about accepting the loss of a friendship or a love relationship, I cling, I cajole, I bully, I pester. I suppose I think on some level that means I'm expressing how much I care, how committed I am to hanging on to it. I don't think that's how others see it, though, I think they begin to see me as neurotic and a pest. I don't want to be perceived that way, but at the same time the idea of just giving up on someone strikes me as so fundamentally wrong.

When I invite someone into my life I don't do it lightly. I become friends with people because they impress and delight me, they're brilliant and wonderful and my life would be so much less without them in it. It sounds silly, I know, but that's just the way I feel about it. I cherish everyone in my life and it's hard to let go of those you adore.

Sometimes you have to, though, you have to let others get on with their lives and go in new directions that don't include you. The question for me is, how do I let someone know that it's all right to tell me that they no longer want me in their life, and more to the point, how do I make sure that I can accept it and move on?

How do you wash someone out of your mind? Do you fill up your life to the point where you don't have time to think about it? Do you throw yourself into new relationships to distract you from thinking about the old one? Do you sit at home brooding and feeling sorry for yourself? A combination of these? Perhaps I'm missing some option, some way of not feeling sad and depressed and, well, resentful that someone feels I have nothing to offer them.

But the biggest question is, how do I not hate myself for having "failed" the other person completely?

Any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Crunches: 90
Philosophical quandries: 1

Comments

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

If you care about this person, if they're intelligent and delightful and you cherish them and your life wouldn't be the same without them, then you're going to be sad and depressed when it's time for the two of you to part ways.
Your lives have woven together, and now they're being torn apart. There's going to be pain there. Anybody who tries to tell you different is selling something.
And I wish I knew how to let people go. Unless I've ushered them out myself, I don't like to let go either. Probably the ACoA thing plays into it--if somebody doesn't like me enough to hang out with me any more, then I feel like I've failed. If I could let people go when they want to go, I'd have a far easier and more pleasant life.
But, lucky me, I have the life I have. And it's an interesting one with lots of people that I adore having around me.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

So you're telling me we're in the same boat, huh? Guess we'll have to hope someone reading this has a quick an easy answer for both of us *G*

Drifting

[eilonwey.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the person/people in question realize that they are pushing your out of their life/lives.

Sometimes people get busy with other people and concerns and just don't realize what they are doing. I have had friends who have done this, and I've been guilty of it myself. It's not that I or they want to get rid of certain people - there are just so many hours in the day. Sometimes people stick together through thick and thin, sometimes people drift apart and then drift back together, and sometimes people drift apart and never get back together.

Sometimes this phenomena depresses me, but I don't really have a magic cure-all to offer, other than to be patient.

Re: Drifting

[tersa.livejournal.com]

I agree with both Eilonwey and Cyrrie. There's no good reason, and there's no good answer.

And if you weren't hurting or depressed by the person leaving your life, then you probably wouldn't have been that good of friends with them, anyway. It's sad, but...normal? if that make sense.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

The unpleasant part, though, is in realizing you're hurting and they're not. That leads down a dark road of self doubt and mistrust. Know what I mean?

Re: Drifting

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I hate that part. A lot.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Me too, I think a lot of times it's the worst part. I tend to take things personally that I probably shouldn't. It's silly, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.
Hmm, ponder...

Re: Drifting

[tersa.livejournal.com]

Ja. Maybe it's easier for me because I realize that I've done it as well. When looking at it from both sides of the phenomenon, it's easier to understand and accept that it's just part of life.

Which doesn't mean it *won't* hurt.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Yeah I've done it too in the past and while I haven't meant to hurt the other person I accept that I did and I regret it. A lot. I guess that's why I get a little compulsive about emails and making sure I see people pretty regularly. Maybe *too* compulsive }:)

Re: Drifting

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Which leads to me second-guessing myself, not being sure if anyone wants me around, and then I'm not good company, so people generally don't, and it's just an ugly circle. I've been cycled out of two distinct social groups, in the past few years, and while I'm still friendly with the people, and don't dislike them, it hurts that I stopped being an important part of things, and I'm always a little afraid of that happening with other people.

But I think instead of trying extra-much to schedule time with people, make sure I see them, I withdraw, because I become more and more certain they don't want to be around me, and it just spirals down.

I think I'm working towards breaking this, but it's not hard; I mean, yeah, it sucks if people start phasing you out of their lives and you don't know why...but what if you ask them about it, and they tell you outright, "Yeah, you suck, we don't want you around anymore?" I'm not sure I can face that.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Well I've had the "Yeah, you suck, get out of my life" thing before and I'm sure I'll get it again. And I think that's the one that gives me the problems. If someone starts to do the slow fade because our lives are going in different directions, I'll make the effort to keep them in mind and be a bit disappointed if they don't do the same. But it doesn't make me start to question my intelligence, my self worth, etc., etc.

Or if it does, it doesn't do it for long.

The slow fade I can deal with, it's the "You suck!" type that gives me such problems. I don't like overstaying my welcome in someone's life, I'm just not sure how to get to a point where I'm ok with it without resorting to anger and bitterness. That's the tricky bit, because generally the anger I turn on myself and that just gets messy.

Re: Drifting

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I've got a bad temper at the best of times, and when it's something personally insulting, well. I either lash out, intending to hurt back where I've been wounded, or turn it back on myself, neither of which is a good outcome. And I'm too damned good at emoting to let my unhappiness run rampant for long, because they I do wear out my welcome right quick. *shrug*

And even with the slow fade, I'm left wondering, "Ok, what did I do this time? Will I find close friends again, or will they all just go away?"

Bleh. I'm not in much of a good mood right now, maybe I shouldn't be dwelling on this.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

That is actually a good helpful start, a reminder about patience and trying to see the phenomena as a test of that patience rather than as a "get the hell out of my life!" message.
I'm terrible at patience and it is something I definitely need to work on, thanks!

[chococat66.livejournal.com]

This is going to sound so cliche, but I honestly believe that only time can help you move on. I went through the most devastating break up of my life late last year. I kept waiting and waiting to be able to bounce back and no matter what I did, thoughts of him still flooded my mind, sending me back to that painful place where he told me he didn't want me.

I don't think that the solitary brooding is healthy and I think that filling your life with as many distractions as possible is a temporary fix and will only prolong and intensify the real hurt.

I know the feelings of failure you're describing all too well. And even though it's very real to you right now, these feelings will fade as you regain the confidence lost by someone telling you they no longer want you in their life. Until then, I would offer the same advice that you gave me all those months ago: surround yourself with the people who really matter and indulge yourself a little. There's nothing easy about going through something like this, but I think you truly have to feel the pain and accept it before moving on.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Excellent suggestions, indeed. So time, patience, and indulging myself. I kind of suck at that last one, but I'm working on it *G*
Thanks for taking the time to respond to this one, you always give wonderful advice!

[tamago.livejournal.com]

On the one hand, if I find that I don't want someone in my life anymore, I'm one of those ballsy freaks who will tell them, and in plain english, exactly why I think we're not good for each other as companions, and what I plan to do about it. I had to do this just recently, and it's never pleasant, but at least then they know exactly what is going on with me and can act accordingly.

On the other hand, this doesn't mean that people don't sometimes think I'm shunning them when I don't intend any such thing. I know that in recent months I've been a lot less present to friends and associates, partly because spending time with Chrisber seems to take priority in my life, and partly because I've been struggling with bouts of mild depression, which makes me a lot more introverted.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that "no news" isn't necessarily bad news. But, I do realize that my priorities lately have been rather self-centered, and domestic, and I do get the feeling that this has alienated people who think I don't care for them.

I can't speak for other people.

It's also very suckful to be on the other side, having been there, too. But I usually like to force a confrontation. I've got a strong enough self image so that if the answer comes back, "I don't want you around because you suck" I generally tend to think, "Well, if they're not perceptive enough to realize how wonderful I am, then they don't *deserve* my company. Who needs 'em?" Yeah, it's a bit blustery, but it generally comforts me in the first pains of parting.

I'm sorry for those of you who are hurting. Relationships can suck a lot.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I like your perspective, just wish I could emulate it. It's so wonderfully healthy, I'm gonna' work on that.
And can I just say I'm awfully glad you've drift back *into* my life lately? I always get a big, goofy smile on my face when I see an email waiting for me from you }:)

[windrose.livejournal.com]

HUGS.

It's not a question of failure, dearest. People change. Sometimes it's a slow drift, and other times it's a swift, sharp shock. Neither is optimal, but there is very little one can do about it but mourn the loss, accept it and move on.

Acceptance is difficult, especially if one has a tendency to internalize everything and look for fault within oneself. The thing is, most of the time there is no fault. We'd like it to be a fault, because that is something we can change. But. Most of the time it's simply a matter of people growing and changing over time. Or, of someone else not growing and changing while you have.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Very good points, the hard part is not internalizing it, and unfortunately that's the part I always have trouble with. Still, re-affirmation from others does help, and thank you so much for that!

[mallen.livejournal.com]

(In case it need be said: tongue firmly in cheek)

How do I let someone know that it's all right to tell me that they no longer want me in their life?

Kill their dog.

How do I make sure that I can accept it and move on? How do you wash someone out of your mind?

Massive quantities of alcohol. In your case that'd be about half a beer.

How do I not hate myself for having "failed" the other person completely?

I don't understand the question. How have you failed anyone?

An offer you can't refuse

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Heh, well I'll give you a gold star for most...creative solutions *G* And I could so drink more than half a beer...if I wanted to, which I don't 'cause I don't like beer. So there.

And if you don't claim some peppers soon you're going to wake up one morning just like in The Godfather, with the plant uprooted and lying on your bed. One pepper is completely ripe, one's almost there, and there are like 10 more on the way.

[h0h0.livejournal.com]

:(

That's no good. *hug* If you want someone to talk to, drop me a mail or something.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the offer, hon, but I'm much better now, as some of last week's posts will show }:)
But a phone call or a visit is always welcome, just let me know when you're available these days!