How many cans must I stack up to wash you out from my mind, out of my consciousness?

[ebonlock]

Sorry, I needed a break from the movie quotes so I think I'll try some song ones for a bit. I know, I know, how terribly cliche, but what are you gonna' do?

That refrain has been going through my mind a lot lately. I've been discussing a lot, and thus thinking a lot, about the past and relationships that have faded out of my life. I'm not very good about accepting the loss of a friendship or a love relationship, I cling, I cajole, I bully, I pester. I suppose I think on some level that means I'm expressing how much I care, how committed I am to hanging on to it. I don't think that's how others see it, though, I think they begin to see me as neurotic and a pest. I don't want to be perceived that way, but at the same time the idea of just giving up on someone strikes me as so fundamentally wrong.

When I invite someone into my life I don't do it lightly. I become friends with people because they impress and delight me, they're brilliant and wonderful and my life would be so much less without them in it. It sounds silly, I know, but that's just the way I feel about it. I cherish everyone in my life and it's hard to let go of those you adore.

Sometimes you have to, though, you have to let others get on with their lives and go in new directions that don't include you. The question for me is, how do I let someone know that it's all right to tell me that they no longer want me in their life, and more to the point, how do I make sure that I can accept it and move on?

How do you wash someone out of your mind? Do you fill up your life to the point where you don't have time to think about it? Do you throw yourself into new relationships to distract you from thinking about the old one? Do you sit at home brooding and feeling sorry for yourself? A combination of these? Perhaps I'm missing some option, some way of not feeling sad and depressed and, well, resentful that someone feels I have nothing to offer them.

But the biggest question is, how do I not hate myself for having "failed" the other person completely?

Any and all suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Crunches: 90
Philosophical quandries: 1

Comments

Drifting

[eilonwey.livejournal.com]

I wonder if the person/people in question realize that they are pushing your out of their life/lives.

Sometimes people get busy with other people and concerns and just don't realize what they are doing. I have had friends who have done this, and I've been guilty of it myself. It's not that I or they want to get rid of certain people - there are just so many hours in the day. Sometimes people stick together through thick and thin, sometimes people drift apart and then drift back together, and sometimes people drift apart and never get back together.

Sometimes this phenomena depresses me, but I don't really have a magic cure-all to offer, other than to be patient.

Re: Drifting

[tersa.livejournal.com]

I agree with both Eilonwey and Cyrrie. There's no good reason, and there's no good answer.

And if you weren't hurting or depressed by the person leaving your life, then you probably wouldn't have been that good of friends with them, anyway. It's sad, but...normal? if that make sense.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

The unpleasant part, though, is in realizing you're hurting and they're not. That leads down a dark road of self doubt and mistrust. Know what I mean?

Re: Drifting

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

I hate that part. A lot.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Me too, I think a lot of times it's the worst part. I tend to take things personally that I probably shouldn't. It's silly, but I'm not entirely sure what to do about it.
Hmm, ponder...

Re: Drifting

[tersa.livejournal.com]

Ja. Maybe it's easier for me because I realize that I've done it as well. When looking at it from both sides of the phenomenon, it's easier to understand and accept that it's just part of life.

Which doesn't mean it *won't* hurt.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Yeah I've done it too in the past and while I haven't meant to hurt the other person I accept that I did and I regret it. A lot. I guess that's why I get a little compulsive about emails and making sure I see people pretty regularly. Maybe *too* compulsive }:)

Re: Drifting

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Which leads to me second-guessing myself, not being sure if anyone wants me around, and then I'm not good company, so people generally don't, and it's just an ugly circle. I've been cycled out of two distinct social groups, in the past few years, and while I'm still friendly with the people, and don't dislike them, it hurts that I stopped being an important part of things, and I'm always a little afraid of that happening with other people.

But I think instead of trying extra-much to schedule time with people, make sure I see them, I withdraw, because I become more and more certain they don't want to be around me, and it just spirals down.

I think I'm working towards breaking this, but it's not hard; I mean, yeah, it sucks if people start phasing you out of their lives and you don't know why...but what if you ask them about it, and they tell you outright, "Yeah, you suck, we don't want you around anymore?" I'm not sure I can face that.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Well I've had the "Yeah, you suck, get out of my life" thing before and I'm sure I'll get it again. And I think that's the one that gives me the problems. If someone starts to do the slow fade because our lives are going in different directions, I'll make the effort to keep them in mind and be a bit disappointed if they don't do the same. But it doesn't make me start to question my intelligence, my self worth, etc., etc.

Or if it does, it doesn't do it for long.

The slow fade I can deal with, it's the "You suck!" type that gives me such problems. I don't like overstaying my welcome in someone's life, I'm just not sure how to get to a point where I'm ok with it without resorting to anger and bitterness. That's the tricky bit, because generally the anger I turn on myself and that just gets messy.

Re: Drifting

[aelfsciene.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I've got a bad temper at the best of times, and when it's something personally insulting, well. I either lash out, intending to hurt back where I've been wounded, or turn it back on myself, neither of which is a good outcome. And I'm too damned good at emoting to let my unhappiness run rampant for long, because they I do wear out my welcome right quick. *shrug*

And even with the slow fade, I'm left wondering, "Ok, what did I do this time? Will I find close friends again, or will they all just go away?"

Bleh. I'm not in much of a good mood right now, maybe I shouldn't be dwelling on this.

Re: Drifting

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

That is actually a good helpful start, a reminder about patience and trying to see the phenomena as a test of that patience rather than as a "get the hell out of my life!" message.
I'm terrible at patience and it is something I definitely need to work on, thanks!