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Hot Pockets!
May. 22nd, 2007 08:25 pmGood christ this had me laughing so hard that tears were running down my face and Kage climbed up on my lap to stare at me with intense concern.
Shorter entire goutosphere, circa 2001-2007, a play
Enter RIGHT BLOGOSPHERE and LEFT BLOGOSPHERE. In the background, images variously flash of KITTENS, 9/11, ANIME CHICKS, CRAPPY PHOTOSHOP, STUPID INDIE ROCK, and THE Ms. WORLD PAGEANT
9/11/01
RIGHT and LEFT blogosphere: Oh, shit!
(pause for justifiable and widely supported war in AFGHANISTAN. War is approaching successful conclusion when RIGHT BLOGOSPHERE interrupts)
RIGHT blogosphere: Because I remain fearful, that dude over there should go somewhere or other and get his face blown off.
LEFT blogosphere: What? That’s an incredibly stupid idea.
RIGHT blogosphere: You are a traitor, and should be hanged, shot, run down by an angry mob, attacked by domestic terrorists, attacked by foreign terrorists, or denied your freedom of movement and action.
LEFT blogosphere: What the fuck? You’re cavalierly sending others to their doom, I fucking well have the obligation to respond.
RIGHT blogosphere: Oh great, pottymouth. You’ve ruined everything. Now we have to kill EVERYONE!
LEFT blogosphere: What the fuck? You titanic assholes.
(repeat final six lines until everyone except RIGHT blogosphere is depressed, angry, or dead)
FIN
Enter RIGHT BLOGOSPHERE and LEFT BLOGOSPHERE. In the background, images variously flash of KITTENS, 9/11, ANIME CHICKS, CRAPPY PHOTOSHOP, STUPID INDIE ROCK, and THE Ms. WORLD PAGEANT
9/11/01
RIGHT and LEFT blogosphere: Oh, shit!
(pause for justifiable and widely supported war in AFGHANISTAN. War is approaching successful conclusion when RIGHT BLOGOSPHERE interrupts)
RIGHT blogosphere: Because I remain fearful, that dude over there should go somewhere or other and get his face blown off.
LEFT blogosphere: What? That’s an incredibly stupid idea.
RIGHT blogosphere: You are a traitor, and should be hanged, shot, run down by an angry mob, attacked by domestic terrorists, attacked by foreign terrorists, or denied your freedom of movement and action.
LEFT blogosphere: What the fuck? You’re cavalierly sending others to their doom, I fucking well have the obligation to respond.
RIGHT blogosphere: Oh great, pottymouth. You’ve ruined everything. Now we have to kill EVERYONE!
LEFT blogosphere: What the fuck? You titanic assholes.
(repeat final six lines until everyone except RIGHT blogosphere is depressed, angry, or dead)
FIN
Giuliani To Run For President Of 9/11
NEW YORK—At a well-attended rally in front of his new Ground Zero headquarters Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announced his plan to run for president of 9/11.
"My fellow citizens of 9/11, today I will make you a promise," said Giuliani during his 18-minute announcement speech in front of a charred and torn American flag. "As president of 9/11, I will usher in a bold new 9/11 for all."
If elected, Giuliani would inherit the duties of current 9/11 President George W. Bush, including making grim facial expressions, seeing the world's conflicts in terms of good and evil, and carrying a bullhorn at all state functions.
NEW YORK—At a well-attended rally in front of his new Ground Zero headquarters Monday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani officially announced his plan to run for president of 9/11.
"My fellow citizens of 9/11, today I will make you a promise," said Giuliani during his 18-minute announcement speech in front of a charred and torn American flag. "As president of 9/11, I will usher in a bold new 9/11 for all."
If elected, Giuliani would inherit the duties of current 9/11 President George W. Bush, including making grim facial expressions, seeing the world's conflicts in terms of good and evil, and carrying a bullhorn at all state functions.
(no subject)
Jan. 19th, 2007 12:53 pmThe 50 Most Loathesome People of 2006
Personal faves:
30. Rush Limbaugh
Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs.
17. Tony Snow
Charges: A soft-spoken scoutmaster with the obfuscatory skill of a Jedi car salesman. After years defending the Bush administration’s worst excesses on "Fox News Sunday," Snow’s job transition to White House Spokesman consisted solely of getting directions to the new office. Very first answer at very first press briefing was a lie, containing that old stonewaller’s chestnut, "we will neither confirm nor deny." Snow’s vast ignorance greatly enhances his ability to appear to believe the bullshit he emits for a living—he thinks evolution "is pure hypothesis," that black/white disparity in America has "all but vanished," and that the Baker-Hamilton report is "partisan." This kind of willful denial of reality makes him a much more sophisticated protocol droid than his monotonous predecessor.
9. Ken Lay
Sentence: Drinking a martini in his bathrobe and reading the Wall Street Journal at his secret compound in the South Pacific, the "late" Mr. Lay starts choking on an olive when the 400th major daily article to describe his life as "Shakespearean" makes him laugh out loud. Lay falls out of his chair, impaling an eyeball with the stem of his glass and catching his penis in a $900 toaster. The electrical current triggers the long-dormant prefrontal cortex of his now-smoldering brain, suddenly activating Lay’s conscience. As he is slowly and painfully electrocuted over several minutes, Lay experiences a lifetime of guilt and remorse. Then he catches fire.
6. Dick Cheney
Charges: The dark master of the White House, Cheney strikes fear into the blackest of hearts. Only surfaces occasionally to nod and grunt at a reporter from Fox News, the only station he ever sees, before returning to the White House boiler room to continue planning the apocalypse.
Personal faves:
30. Rush Limbaugh
Charges: It’s hard to believe this repulsive shit fountain is even human, until you remember that we share 70% of our DNA with pigs.
17. Tony Snow
Charges: A soft-spoken scoutmaster with the obfuscatory skill of a Jedi car salesman. After years defending the Bush administration’s worst excesses on "Fox News Sunday," Snow’s job transition to White House Spokesman consisted solely of getting directions to the new office. Very first answer at very first press briefing was a lie, containing that old stonewaller’s chestnut, "we will neither confirm nor deny." Snow’s vast ignorance greatly enhances his ability to appear to believe the bullshit he emits for a living—he thinks evolution "is pure hypothesis," that black/white disparity in America has "all but vanished," and that the Baker-Hamilton report is "partisan." This kind of willful denial of reality makes him a much more sophisticated protocol droid than his monotonous predecessor.
9. Ken Lay
Sentence: Drinking a martini in his bathrobe and reading the Wall Street Journal at his secret compound in the South Pacific, the "late" Mr. Lay starts choking on an olive when the 400th major daily article to describe his life as "Shakespearean" makes him laugh out loud. Lay falls out of his chair, impaling an eyeball with the stem of his glass and catching his penis in a $900 toaster. The electrical current triggers the long-dormant prefrontal cortex of his now-smoldering brain, suddenly activating Lay’s conscience. As he is slowly and painfully electrocuted over several minutes, Lay experiences a lifetime of guilt and remorse. Then he catches fire.
6. Dick Cheney
Charges: The dark master of the White House, Cheney strikes fear into the blackest of hearts. Only surfaces occasionally to nod and grunt at a reporter from Fox News, the only station he ever sees, before returning to the White House boiler room to continue planning the apocalypse.
