Guilty Pleasures

[ebonlock]

I didn't understand the question!

Ace of Spades, Heterosexual and Wingnut Extraordinaire, seems to have some...issues with teh gay sex:

Not that I’m saying homosexuality is incompatible with masculinity, of course. Consenting biweekly to having one’s duodenum battered with the manic hydraulic fury of a tricked-out V-12 jackhammer manned by an epileptic Con-Ed worker with an ancestral oath of vengeance against asphalt would, I think, tend to butch one up, at least as regards one’s pain threshold.

Note I didn't say he had a problem with gay sex, or hated it, rather he has issues with it. One of those issues being that he's spending way too much time thinking about exactly what's involved in it. I mean I haven't seen many slash writers go into that kind of detail.

Sadly, this isn't even the first time he's flung this particular bit of verbal poo:

“You want dudes to shank you up your manpooters, fine. But you don’t have to be a 12 year old girl about it, do you? Quite frankly, I’d imagine that frequently getting dorked up the drop-pipe would, due to the pain and general unpleasantness of the experience, tend to instill one with a certain amount of quiet, manfully steely resolve, like a toughened soldier waving off anaesthesia even though he’s got a bit chunk of shrapnel in his gut, only it’s even worse than that, because it turns out that shrapnel is really a great big cock shredding his duodenum with the quavering manic intensity of a palsied ConEd worker with a tricked-out V8 jackhammer and and an ancestral vow of vengeance against ashphalt.”

Fascinating, hmm? What's even more interesting, though is that he seems to have an equal repugnance for girlie bits, and interactions therein:

"Best friend gay -- okay, I can see that one going either way; one of my best buds is a homo. Turned off by c****lingus? Eh, a lot of guys don't dig that. Who the hell knows what's going on down there. It's like H.R. Geiger giving up ink and canvas to work in the avant-garde medium of Play-Doh and bacon."

What, we're forced to wonder, is left for Ace who shivers in fear of the jackhammer of love but dares not enter the bacon-y depths of a woman's flower? Perhaps he's forced to turn to a melon warmed in the microwave? Or the old tried and true Dust Buster with corner attachment?

Comments

[houndartemis.livejournal.com]

...bacon... and play-doh. Well. I'm at least impressed by his verbosity.

Maybe he's more of an oiled trash-bag guy.

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

...bacon... and play-doh. Well. I'm at least impressed by his verbosity.

On certain liberal blogs he is now "Bacon and Play-Doh" guy.

Maybe he's more of an oiled trash-bag guy.

I'm trying to remember what the other one was and I want to say it has something to do with sweatsocks.

[houndartemis.livejournal.com]

Now that's a nickname to carry on through life.

[psyfic.livejournal.com]

More like dollar store lube and inflatable pool floats.

[phillipalden.livejournal.com]

I don't even understand the basis and/or reason for such a conversation in the first place.

And it's been my experience that men who fixate on gay sex tend to be those who are interested in gay sex, especially when they do it under the guise of heterosexuality.

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Oh Ace definitely falls under the "doth protest too much" category, no question. I get the feeling he'd be a much happier person if he could just come out of the closet and get in on the action that so fascinates him.

[canellaphile.livejournal.com]

You want dudes to shank you up your manpooters, fine.
$5 bucks says his mommy had a hard time using the real words for vagina, rectum, and penis too.

...the bacon-y depths of a woman's flower
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......bacon. *homerdrool*

LOL, this guy is supposed to be funny, right? oh.

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

LOL, this guy is supposed to be funny, right? oh.

Nobody's quite sure if he's actually a brilliant comedic genius who's created a persona for himself to subtly mock genus wingnuttius, or if he's just barking mad. My money's on the latter. You should read some of his war porn...