ebonlock | The spirit of the season

This "woe is me" bleat from noted Paste Eater Jeff Goldstein:

So. I’m holding this fundraiser in order to afford the maintainence of this site while raising enough money for a down payment to move us into a bigger house by year’s end (we live in a rented duplex at the moment)—when what happens? My landlord knocks on the door, tells me he’s lost his job, and that he’s going to have to sell the property. [...]

Still, this leaves us in quite a bind. Which got me to thinking: I wonder if Atrios and the rest of his progressive brethren (including such august champions of righteousness as Michael Berube, who recently shed his tweedy classroom demeanor to call me a “supercilious, ignorant, self-satisfied wanker") will step up and help save this poor young family from ending up on the streets. After all, isn’t that what “progressives” do?

Leads a commentor on Sadly, No! to leave one of the most brilliant responses I've yet read:

The spirit of Fitzmas overtook me, so I sent him some money, along with this message.
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Jeff, I'm sorry to hear about your financial troubles. As a progressive, I've decided to help you out by donating $200. As a gesture of good will, I've decided to do it in a way consistent with your Republican beliefs. Taking the reconstruction of Iraq as my model, I did the following:

I hired some heavies to rob your house. They found $190 in the kitty above the fridge, and $10 on your bedside table. I thought it was only fair to use your money to pay them (seeing as you are the beneficiary here), so that leaves $160 for you.

Unfortunately, we broke your gate on the way out, so gave $90 dollars to my friends to fix it for you. They haven't got around to it yet. I hear the company has since been disbanded, so I'm not sure we'll be seeing that again. Oh well, these things happen. At least they painted it a nice colour.

Just before I left your property, I spotted your cat. I know your cat has a bad reputation, but I was in a hurry to leave, so I handed $30 and told it to buy you something nice. I trust your cat gave you a pleasant surprise?

I gave the remaining $40 to Mr Samarah to put in your paypal account. I think you might know him -- he owns a cement factory? Well, I have a bit of bad news on that count. Look, you've got to expect some inefficiencies in a situation like this, and consequently, only one third of the value will be getting to you. Frankly, I think you should be grateful that we liberated you-- I mean, liberated some money for you.

So that's it. There's $13 in your paypal account. I expect you to be grateful and to use it wisely. And if I hear anything bad about your financial situation causing arguments in your household, you'll only have yourselves to blame. After all, I gave you $200.

Regards,
elendil
By the way, sorry about your dog.