No biblical hell could ever be worse than this state of perpetual inconsequence.

[ebonlock]

Woke up this morning at the tail end of an anxiety dream about losing my job about a half an hour later than I normally do, and thus had to zoom through my morning routine. Funny, I used to have nightmares about dying in crashing planes, now it's getting a pink slip. Sign of the times I guess.

I've also come to a conclusion. I'm not going to be happy with myself until I lose ten pounds. Now everybody who's going to start up the "You don't need to lose any weight!" squawk, stop, don't do it, refrain just this once. It doesn't really matter to me whether anybody else thinks I look ok weight-wise. This isn't about that. It's about me not being comfortable in my own skin. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I know what weight works best for me and I want to get back to it. I'm not saying life is suddenly going to be chirping birds and beds of roses, but that's what I want and I intend to have it. Most of the things I want in life are beyond my grasp for one reason or another, this is not. So please, supportive offering of ideas would be greatly appreciated.

It occurs to me that it's a good thing that I'm a pagan for I'd surely be doomed to hell for having spent a good portion of Saturday evening wishing St. Francis dead. But in my defense 5 hours is an awfully long opera particularly when one has rather long legs and is squished into a tiny seat alongside a 400 pound man who..well..overflowed quite a bit. tersa and I looked at one another after the second act and came to the unavoidable conclusion that we were going to need a trip to Watercourse Way to work the kinks out after that marathon. I was a naughty monkey and skipped dance class to sit in a sauna and let the hot air soothe my poor abused muscles.

I've considered keeping a log of my sleep deficit, just as an experiment to figure out how little I can run on and still function fairly normally. Then I realized I'd only depress myself and wondered what "normal" was anyway.

I'm just all over the place in this posting, sorry guys, incoherence, thy name is Ellie.

Oh, one more thing, Mark DeCascos in a loincloth is just all kinds of good...

Comments

[esmerel.livejournal.com]

Dangerous beauty =)

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Good one, gold star!

[esmerel.livejournal.com]

Hehe. Saw it at tyee's bachelorette party. MM, gorgeous costuming. Very odd seeing Moira Kelly in something else. =)

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[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Saw it again myself at tersa's Saturday as we're preparing for the PEERS Dangerous Beauty ball. Lots of cool costuming ideas in that one *G*

[tersa.livejournal.com]

Now everybody who's going to start up the "You don't need to lose any weight!" squawk, stop, don't do it, refrain just this once. It doesn't really matter to me whether anybody else thinks I look ok weight-wise. This isn't about that. It's about me not being comfortable in my own skin.

I only have two issues with this statement, and it *does* bother me:

(1) When your friends say the same thing, you're the first one to try disabusing us of this notion, and we *are* legitimately overweight. One thing I can't abide is hypocrisy.

(2) This is the same thing anorexics say.

That is all.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I only have two issues with this statement, and it *does* bother me:

(1) When your friends say the same thing, you're the first one to try disabusing us of this notion, and we *are* legitimately overweight. One thing I can't abide is hypocrisy.

First and foremost I'm not saying I'm "fat", not at all, just that I'm not happy with my body at present and I intend to do something about it. What I object to with my friends is when they say things like "I'm so fat!" or "I look hideous!". To that I object most strenuously. However, if you think about it, you'll realize that when folks say to me, "I'm not comfortable with my body, I want to lose weight." my first response is generally one of support. Losing weight because you're not comfortable with your body is one thing, losing weight because you think others think you look bad is another. Do you see what I mean?

(2) This is the same thing anorexics say.

Which would be meaningful if I were annorexic or even close to being one, which I'm not. Now if I were down to my goal weight and kept muttering about losing more weight or started showing any real signs of having an eating disorder that would be another matter entirely.

[tersa.livejournal.com]

Which would be meaningful if I were annorexic or even close to being one, which I'm not. Now if I were down to my goal weight and kept muttering about losing more weight

But is the goal weight based on something scientific, or just 'what you're comfortable at'? Anorexics often have unreasonable 'goal weights' or body image, too.

I don't think you really are anorexic, but I *am* worried that your goal weight isn't necessarily a *healthy* weight for you, no matter what your 'goal' is.

I've seen you in a bikini, now. :) I think you look slender and healthy, without the lollipop look of the too thin, concave bellies of the modeling world.

[merlinofchaos]

Given your phenotype, I would not recommend losing weight; if you're unhappy with your body, I would actually suggest muscle-building exercises to give your body tone and definition, rather than simply losing fat like so many of the rest of us actually need.

Re:

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

But is the goal weight based on something scientific, or just 'what you're comfortable at'? Anorexics often have unreasonable 'goal weights' or body image, too.

It's what I'm comfortable at and perfectly within the healthy weight range for my height. And I may discover during this process that 5 pounds is all I really want/need to lose to be content. If so, great! If not I keep going until I reach 10 and then that's it.

I don't think you really are anorexic, but I *am* worried that your goal weight isn't necessarily a *healthy* weight for you, no matter what your 'goal' is.

I have spent some time in the not too distant past (i.e. part of last year) at my goal weight, I'm willing to bet you didn't even notice the difference, right? I noticed in the way my clothes fit and my overall happiness with my body.

I've seen you in a bikini, now. :) I think you look slender and healthy, without the lollipop look of the too thin, concave bellies of the modeling world.

And I thank you for that, but I don't feel happy at this weight. I can't move the way I want to, I feel a bit bloated and my clothes don't fit right. It's just an experience thing, I know where I should be and when I overindulge my weight goes up, now I need to be a little more strict and it'll come back down again.

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[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I don't really want to build a lot more muscle, it just doesn't work on my body frame. I have some good, strong, sleek muscle right now, it's just under about two inches of flab. *G* This is an extra 10 pounds that I've been carrying around for a while now, I want to shed it and get back to where I'm happiest.

[tyee.livejournal.com]

Hey, do I get a gold star by proxy since I made esmerel watch the movie?

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[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I dunno', that's going to open up all kinds of rules debates in future...how about instead I award you a nice shiney silver star instead?

[mister-sunshine.livejournal.com]

Not to insult your intelligence, but...
I assume you will be keeping a strict, auditable record of your daily caloric intake, as well as what you consume and when. This is a necessity for any serious attempts at weight regulation, regardless of whether it's a clinical or personal plan. It makes you really accountable for your actions, enables you to repeat your results in the future, and it provides your doctor with more information if an allergy/deficiency/weird thing[tm] develops.

I'm sure there are other things to keep track of, but this is all I remember from the various regulatory struggles that have plagued my family.

[tyee.livejournal.com]

oooh, shiny! thanks :-)

Just do it

[(Anonymous)]

Look, I'm on your side about not being comfortable at a certain weight for me its at like 275 I feel like small children can knock me around so I feel better at an athletic 300-310 now I know most people think thats crazy but its where I'm comfortable but on the same token I know what I have to do on a daily basis to stay there thats what your going to have to do, now the fact that you are having problems staying lighter says that your lifestyle is one that is 10 pounds more than you might like, so stop talking about yo-yo pounds and change if that will make you happy, now I can't see you giving up Jamba or any of the things that make you heavier than you want (skipping lunch doesn't help) but I know there is only one person who can make it happen and that is you.

'Oh, one more thing, Mark DeCascos in a loincloth is just all kinds of good'
Would you be referring to Crying Freeman?
John
You don't start none there won't be none.

[mallen.livejournal.com]

Now everybody who's going to start up the "You don't need to lose any weight!" squawk, stop, don't do it, refrain just this once.

I, for one, can't believe how much you've let yourself go. Why stop at just 10 pounds. I'm thinking you ought to lose at least 40 or 50...

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[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Well I can always count on you for the blunt, brutal honesty I need. Whatever would I do without you? *G*

[mallen.livejournal.com]

Set sarcasm torpedoes to full!

Locked on target, captain!

Fire one!

Fire one, aye aye.

[technocowboy.livejournal.com]

I'm on your side with this. It doesn't matter if you're overweight or not. If you don't feel comfortable in your own skin, that's more important. Do what feels right for you, not what everyone else thinks.

And I have a present for you from filidh. :)

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[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Thanks hon, I appreciate that.
And *squeal* I bet I know what the present is!!!

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[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

Why, you mean to say you were being sarcastic? Good god, what is this world coming to? I've positively reeling from this revelation, excuse me, I need to go and piece the shattered fragments of my life back together...