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ebonlockWoke up this morning at the tail end of an anxiety dream about losing my job about a half an hour later than I normally do, and thus had to zoom through my morning routine. Funny, I used to have nightmares about dying in crashing planes, now it's getting a pink slip. Sign of the times I guess.
I've also come to a conclusion. I'm not going to be happy with myself until I lose ten pounds. Now everybody who's going to start up the "You don't need to lose any weight!" squawk, stop, don't do it, refrain just this once. It doesn't really matter to me whether anybody else thinks I look ok weight-wise. This isn't about that. It's about me not being comfortable in my own skin. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I know what weight works best for me and I want to get back to it. I'm not saying life is suddenly going to be chirping birds and beds of roses, but that's what I want and I intend to have it. Most of the things I want in life are beyond my grasp for one reason or another, this is not. So please, supportive offering of ideas would be greatly appreciated.
It occurs to me that it's a good thing that I'm a pagan for I'd surely be doomed to hell for having spent a good portion of Saturday evening wishing St. Francis dead. But in my defense 5 hours is an awfully long opera particularly when one has rather long legs and is squished into a tiny seat alongside a 400 pound man who..well..overflowed quite a bit.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tersa and I looked at one another after the second act and came to the unavoidable conclusion that we were going to need a trip to Watercourse Way to work the kinks out after that marathon. I was a naughty monkey and skipped dance class to sit in a sauna and let the hot air soothe my poor abused muscles.
I've considered keeping a log of my sleep deficit, just as an experiment to figure out how little I can run on and still function fairly normally. Then I realized I'd only depress myself and wondered what "normal" was anyway.
I'm just all over the place in this posting, sorry guys, incoherence, thy name is Ellie.
Oh, one more thing, Mark DeCascos in a loincloth is just all kinds of good...
I've also come to a conclusion. I'm not going to be happy with myself until I lose ten pounds. Now everybody who's going to start up the "You don't need to lose any weight!" squawk, stop, don't do it, refrain just this once. It doesn't really matter to me whether anybody else thinks I look ok weight-wise. This isn't about that. It's about me not being comfortable in my own skin. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like what I see. I know what weight works best for me and I want to get back to it. I'm not saying life is suddenly going to be chirping birds and beds of roses, but that's what I want and I intend to have it. Most of the things I want in life are beyond my grasp for one reason or another, this is not. So please, supportive offering of ideas would be greatly appreciated.
It occurs to me that it's a good thing that I'm a pagan for I'd surely be doomed to hell for having spent a good portion of Saturday evening wishing St. Francis dead. But in my defense 5 hours is an awfully long opera particularly when one has rather long legs and is squished into a tiny seat alongside a 400 pound man who..well..overflowed quite a bit.
tersa and I looked at one another after the second act and came to the unavoidable conclusion that we were going to need a trip to Watercourse Way to work the kinks out after that marathon. I was a naughty monkey and skipped dance class to sit in a sauna and let the hot air soothe my poor abused muscles. I've considered keeping a log of my sleep deficit, just as an experiment to figure out how little I can run on and still function fairly normally. Then I realized I'd only depress myself and wondered what "normal" was anyway.
I'm just all over the place in this posting, sorry guys, incoherence, thy name is Ellie.
Oh, one more thing, Mark DeCascos in a loincloth is just all kinds of good...
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Re:
Date: 2002-10-07 11:09 am (UTC)(1) When your friends say the same thing, you're the first one to try disabusing us of this notion, and we *are* legitimately overweight. One thing I can't abide is hypocrisy.
First and foremost I'm not saying I'm "fat", not at all, just that I'm not happy with my body at present and I intend to do something about it. What I object to with my friends is when they say things like "I'm so fat!" or "I look hideous!". To that I object most strenuously. However, if you think about it, you'll realize that when folks say to me, "I'm not comfortable with my body, I want to lose weight." my first response is generally one of support. Losing weight because you're not comfortable with your body is one thing, losing weight because you think others think you look bad is another. Do you see what I mean?
(2) This is the same thing anorexics say.
Which would be meaningful if I were annorexic or even close to being one, which I'm not. Now if I were down to my goal weight and kept muttering about losing more weight or started showing any real signs of having an eating disorder that would be another matter entirely.
no subject
Date: 2002-10-07 11:30 am (UTC)But is the goal weight based on something scientific, or just 'what you're comfortable at'? Anorexics often have unreasonable 'goal weights' or body image, too.
I don't think you really are anorexic, but I *am* worried that your goal weight isn't necessarily a *healthy* weight for you, no matter what your 'goal' is.
I've seen you in a bikini, now. :) I think you look slender and healthy, without the lollipop look of the too thin, concave bellies of the modeling world.
Re:
Date: 2002-10-07 11:55 am (UTC)It's what I'm comfortable at and perfectly within the healthy weight range for my height. And I may discover during this process that 5 pounds is all I really want/need to lose to be content. If so, great! If not I keep going until I reach 10 and then that's it.
I don't think you really are anorexic, but I *am* worried that your goal weight isn't necessarily a *healthy* weight for you, no matter what your 'goal' is.
I have spent some time in the not too distant past (i.e. part of last year) at my goal weight, I'm willing to bet you didn't even notice the difference, right? I noticed in the way my clothes fit and my overall happiness with my body.
I've seen you in a bikini, now. :) I think you look slender and healthy, without the lollipop look of the too thin, concave bellies of the modeling world.
And I thank you for that, but I don't feel happy at this weight. I can't move the way I want to, I feel a bit bloated and my clothes don't fit right. It's just an experience thing, I know where I should be and when I overindulge my weight goes up, now I need to be a little more strict and it'll come back down again.