This is getting better by the minute.
Oct. 3rd, 2002 08:29 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ebonlockMy subconscious is a bitch. Hold it, before you all pummel me with, "Your subconscious, Ellie?", allow me to beat you to the punch. Yeah, all right, my conscious mind and personality can be pretty bitchy too, but it doesn't begin to hold a candle to the other part of my mind. And it seems to take a great delight in sticking sharp, pointy barbs in me just for the fun of it.
I can almost hear it cackling, "Things are going really well, huh? Yeah, that's great. Oh, look what I've found in a dark, dusty corner of your brain. Scary, huh? What do you mean you don't want to face it? Too bad!"
And did I mention it likes to do this most between 12:00 a.m. and 6:30 a.m.? Yeah, another sleepless night thanks to my own brain beating me up. But being a rather foolish optimist I'm attempting to find a bright side here. My silver lining is twofold, one, that I'll be so exhausted by lack of sleep tonight that I won't have any option but to pass out and thus escape the evil clutches of my bitch goddess subconscious. Two, that it's stuff I have to face anyway so at least I'm getting it done now while I can deal with it and make positive changes in my life.
See I, as well as most neo-pagans, have the belief that when we die we don't face some impersonal judge. We don't face a glowering deity who points out our faults and missteps. Oh no, we face much harsher judgment, ourselves. The Higher Powers forgive us our frailties, they understand and love us despite them. But we have no such wisdom and benevolence, or at least most of us don't. I imagine there are a few souls in the world who truly accept and love themselves. I, however, have yet to meet one.
So to me it's a matter of dealing with this stuff now and not having to face it later, it just makes sense really. Or at least that's how I'm choosing to rationalize it }:)
I think I'm going to throw the whole "boring" issue from yesterday, a bad body image, weak ego, the anxiety dreams I've been having lately, and various and assorted memories which which I self-flagellate on occasion, into a huge cauldron called "Self Loathing" and let them simmer for a bit. I won't forget they're there, or try to tuck them all away again into some deep, dark recess. Instead I'm going to try to figure out a way to accept them all and to move past them. That's the plan anyway.
Right, so, enough nattering on about issues I'm sure the vast majority of folks reading this entry have little to no interest in. On to something completely different. Can I just say publically and without shame that I really don't like dogs? I mean really don't like them. In many cases they're raised very much in the same way that poorly reared children are.
I especially don't like our neighbor's dogs. See at some point yesterday while both I and the housemate were gone, they broke through the fence and decided to go on a rampage through the backyard. There is absolutely nothing like waking up to find a dog trotting through your yard, one of your shoes in its mouth. Even better when you go out to find plants knocked over, your stuff chewed on and scattered everywhere, and a big pile of shit that you now have to clean up.
See the neighbor's fence started collapsing soon after we moved in. They promised to fix it. It's been several months. I thank the gods that![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
aelfsciene was willing to call and talk to them about this today, left to me I'd have started yelling and made enemies of them.
I have this pet peeve, if somebody tells me they're going to do something I expect them to do it. If they don't it drives me bugnuts. If you're not going to do something don't tell me you will, particularly something like this. I have no problem going out there and shoring up the fence myself, but the neighbor said she'd take care of it and we took her at her word.
Is personal responsibility merely an antiquated idea?
I mean if I owned the dogs and they were escaping I'd do something about it immediately. Not only for good neighbor relations but because it was my responsibility, one I took on when I brought the animals into my home.
If this isn't taken care of by the end of the week I'm building my own damn barricade, the Great Wall of Santa Clara if you will. I've got more than enough wood and bricks out back and I know just how to use them. And the next time I see a dog in my yard I won't be held accountable for my actions.
In other news, great game last night, if the Sharks can play the way they did in that game all season long we may just have a shot at the Stanley this season.
And just one more gripe before I shut up, what is up with Albertson's starting a savings card? I specifically started going there because they weren't fascist like Safeway and everybody walking in the door was welcome to enjoy equal savings. Now I have to join their little card-carrying society or I get raped at the checkout counter. The question is, gentle readers, do I bend over and take it or do I go in search of an independent store that hasn't yet sold its corporate soul to the devil?
I can almost hear it cackling, "Things are going really well, huh? Yeah, that's great. Oh, look what I've found in a dark, dusty corner of your brain. Scary, huh? What do you mean you don't want to face it? Too bad!"
And did I mention it likes to do this most between 12:00 a.m. and 6:30 a.m.? Yeah, another sleepless night thanks to my own brain beating me up. But being a rather foolish optimist I'm attempting to find a bright side here. My silver lining is twofold, one, that I'll be so exhausted by lack of sleep tonight that I won't have any option but to pass out and thus escape the evil clutches of my bitch goddess subconscious. Two, that it's stuff I have to face anyway so at least I'm getting it done now while I can deal with it and make positive changes in my life.
See I, as well as most neo-pagans, have the belief that when we die we don't face some impersonal judge. We don't face a glowering deity who points out our faults and missteps. Oh no, we face much harsher judgment, ourselves. The Higher Powers forgive us our frailties, they understand and love us despite them. But we have no such wisdom and benevolence, or at least most of us don't. I imagine there are a few souls in the world who truly accept and love themselves. I, however, have yet to meet one.
So to me it's a matter of dealing with this stuff now and not having to face it later, it just makes sense really. Or at least that's how I'm choosing to rationalize it }:)
I think I'm going to throw the whole "boring" issue from yesterday, a bad body image, weak ego, the anxiety dreams I've been having lately, and various and assorted memories which which I self-flagellate on occasion, into a huge cauldron called "Self Loathing" and let them simmer for a bit. I won't forget they're there, or try to tuck them all away again into some deep, dark recess. Instead I'm going to try to figure out a way to accept them all and to move past them. That's the plan anyway.
Right, so, enough nattering on about issues I'm sure the vast majority of folks reading this entry have little to no interest in. On to something completely different. Can I just say publically and without shame that I really don't like dogs? I mean really don't like them. In many cases they're raised very much in the same way that poorly reared children are.
I especially don't like our neighbor's dogs. See at some point yesterday while both I and the housemate were gone, they broke through the fence and decided to go on a rampage through the backyard. There is absolutely nothing like waking up to find a dog trotting through your yard, one of your shoes in its mouth. Even better when you go out to find plants knocked over, your stuff chewed on and scattered everywhere, and a big pile of shit that you now have to clean up.
See the neighbor's fence started collapsing soon after we moved in. They promised to fix it. It's been several months. I thank the gods that
aelfsciene was willing to call and talk to them about this today, left to me I'd have started yelling and made enemies of them. I have this pet peeve, if somebody tells me they're going to do something I expect them to do it. If they don't it drives me bugnuts. If you're not going to do something don't tell me you will, particularly something like this. I have no problem going out there and shoring up the fence myself, but the neighbor said she'd take care of it and we took her at her word.
Is personal responsibility merely an antiquated idea?
I mean if I owned the dogs and they were escaping I'd do something about it immediately. Not only for good neighbor relations but because it was my responsibility, one I took on when I brought the animals into my home.
If this isn't taken care of by the end of the week I'm building my own damn barricade, the Great Wall of Santa Clara if you will. I've got more than enough wood and bricks out back and I know just how to use them. And the next time I see a dog in my yard I won't be held accountable for my actions.
In other news, great game last night, if the Sharks can play the way they did in that game all season long we may just have a shot at the Stanley this season.
And just one more gripe before I shut up, what is up with Albertson's starting a savings card? I specifically started going there because they weren't fascist like Safeway and everybody walking in the door was welcome to enjoy equal savings. Now I have to join their little card-carrying society or I get raped at the checkout counter. The question is, gentle readers, do I bend over and take it or do I go in search of an independent store that hasn't yet sold its corporate soul to the devil?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Going to make a guess
So I'm going to make a guess for Predator, mainly because I caught part of it the other night and well, I think somebody said it. Or something close to it.
----------------------------------------------
So I think I know as well as anyone the kind of pressure your subconscious can put on you. Mine likes to abuse me liberally during my sleeping hours. I think my subconscious mind thinks I'm dim. She gets frustrated that she has to spell everything out for me.
So it's clear and stated, even if you don't quite accept it, Ellie you are one of the most interesting, fascinating, nice, kind, smart and lovely people I have ever met. You are a mix of eloquence and honesty when you speak. You hold wise counsel and give of it freely and without strings when asked of it. When I talk to you I get the sense that you listen to me, not just wait for the pauses so you can speak yourself. You have a sense of grace that seems to easily transfer from your presence to your movement. You have kind words for your friends when they need them, and strong words when they are more deserving.
And from an entirely selfish point of view, when i confess to you the awful thoughts in my head of anger and fear and bitterness you did not withdraw in disgust or scold me for them. Instead you let me see that I was a horrible person, simply because sometimes I had horrible thoughts. That meant so much to me, a sense of freedom from my guilt, a sense of understanding.
You said you think the Higher powers forgive us our frailties and love us despite them. Well I also think they do that, but I think they also love us for all our strengths. For everything that makes who we are. I don't have the patience of Higher Powers and so loving myself for my faults is a little beyond me. But I think I can start with at least liking myself for my good qualities. I don't have the same wisdom, or patience that Higher Powers have, so I think I can forgive myself for not being able to see myself through eyes as beautiful as theirs.
It's probably not said enough, but I'm really glad I met you Ellie, and I'm really glad we started talking. Even if it normally kept us talking way past midnight.
Re: Going to make a guess
Date: 2002-10-03 12:13 pm (UTC)Hon, I think I'm going to award you an honorary Great Guesser Platinum Star! Very good. Arnie says it after they blast their way into the guerilla camp and he starts finding out things are not what they seem. My sis and I used to attempt his accent while saying the line all the time. Well done!
You said you think the Higher powers forgive us our frailties and love us despite them. Well I also think they do that, but I think they also love us for all our strengths. For everything that makes who we are. I don't have the patience of Higher Powers and so loving myself for my faults is a little beyond me. But I think I can start with at least liking myself for my good qualities. I don't have the same wisdom, or patience that Higher Powers have, so I think I can forgive myself for not being able to see myself through eyes as beautiful as theirs.
That's really beautifully put, and good advice too. I think we all need to balance out those things about ourselves that we don't like with the ones that we do. The problem is that most of us have difficulty keeping things in that balance, and the scales shift in one direction or another. At the moment mine seem to shifting toward the negative, but that just means it's time to work on some stuff before it gets out of hand.
Additionally I think many of us don't want to recognize those darker aspects of our personality. We don't want to take them out and expose them to the light, it's scary and unpleasant. But they are a part of us and we need to acknowledge them. If we don't they breed like cockroaches and scuttle around in the dark places. Or at least that's been my experience.
It's probably not said enough, but I'm really glad I met you Ellie, and I'm really glad we started talking. Even if it normally kept us talking way past midnight.
And I know I don't say it nearly enough, but I feel exactly the same way about you. You're one of the kindest, sweetest souls I've met since moving out here, and it's been a pleasure and privilege to get to know you too. And you can keep me talking late any night...except tonight *G*