ebonlock | The return of livetime recapping II: Electric Boogaloo

Ethan was a fucker, Jack has a bit of a glass jaw, and it rained a lot.

Oooh, yes every episode should start with a close up of Charlie. Or Sayid. Or Charlie and Sayid. That would be the best ever.

Claire's not looking too good, unsurprisingly, and she's back to the screaming heebie jeebies. And damn, she's an amnesiac. Dammit, I was afraid of that. How are we gonna know if she's been to the damn Black Rock? Or how many "others" there are? Or who the hell Ethan is in cahoots with. Or why he kidnapped her in the first place. Gah.

I will not allow myself to speculate. I will not allow myself to speculate. Well, at least not this early in the episode.

"What do you remember?" Damn Charlie sounded so sexy just then. No, focus girl, focus.

Ahhh Claire, she just got to repeat the clue-in on the whole trapped and nobody's coming to get them thing. Poor thing.

Locke and Boone share a moment out in the dark and Locke goes all Master Yoda again. Ok, Master Yoda with a few day's growth of beard.

Wait a second, a few minutes after the conversation and Claire's hair is all clean and she seems to have had a shower. "We're friends"? Claire asks and fans everywhere beat their heads against the nearest hard surface. On the other hand this does give us a chance to watch them bond all over again. Hee.

Ah Charlie flashback-age including illicit substances, a skanky friend, and underhanded attempts to con a rich girl. Ellie squees with delight as said skanky friend hits "You All Everybody" on the jukebox. Charlie goes into faux uber-charming mode and I find myself falling for him anyway. Not that I'm condoning conning rich girls for drug money. Really. All right, honestly, unless Charlie engaged in kitten eating in this flashback I doubt he could do anything that would make me think badly of him at this point.

The boys have a pow-wow over what to do on the Ethan-front. Sayid is delightfully paranoid and posits that maybe Ethan let her go for...well...uh, some reason. Dude, maybe that's how they do things back in Iraq, but methinks not so much on Lost island. Charlie trots off to care for Claire, but ends up running into Jin and hanging out with him instead.

"No tree-shaking behemoths..." Uh, guys, that would be the sound of Ethan lobbing a sling shot at you, might wanna duck. Or at Jin anyway. Then Ethan shows up and threatens sweet Charlie by choking him again and promising to kill everybody, then Charlie last.

Charlie comes back to Locke and Jack and growls that they need to go out on a hunt for the bastard. Sweet! Locke is thinking defensively, but not being terribly helpful, though we're all hoping he's got one helluva plan.

Jin is shirtless, hey, that's not a bad thing at all. Is he beginning to suspect that Sun knows more than she's saying? Enquiring minds are starting to think so.

Charlie outright lies to Claire, who suddenly looks like she's been tapped to be the next Cover Girl model. WTF? They've got some sort of a make-up artist crash landed with them? That's handy.

Charlie flashback numero dos or perhaps tres I've lost count, he contemplates a little thievery but before he can make off with Churchill's...er..something silver, girlie shows up and invites him to meet the dad. Charlie agrees. He's a good boy down deep, our Charlie.

Kate saunters up and makes a damn fine suggestion, you've got the big guages, hand 'em out. Jack demures, he doesn't want some poor invisible monster getting shot by mistake. That would be horrible! Personally I'd be happy to hook Annie Oakley there up with a boomstick, just don't give one to Boone and you're golden.

Sayid, Locke and Boone are setting up traps and sentries. The look Sayid gives Boone when the latter volunteers for sentry duty is too precious for words. "Oooh, now we can all sleep safely, Boone is on guard!"

Hmm, dad starts asking some pointed questions of Charlie who spills his guts like a whacked pinata. His honesty is even more charming and dad offers him a job I guess? Well, he's a copier salesman I guess anyway, but skanky friend is not pleased. Charlie's thinking about his future, but skanky reminds him that starting a job going through heroine withdrawal is going to be a major bitch.

Locke apparently decides he'll feel much safer if he gives Boone a bit of backup. And sure enough, in no time flat Boone starts fucking falling asleep. Oh let us hear the sweet, sweet sound of a slingshot! Dang, nope, we get morning and a triggered "alarm". Boone trots around dutifully looking nervous and a bit guilty but Ethan lets me down and so far he lives.

Boone's got a stick, he aims, he...trips. Ooh Ethan must be shaking in his boots. Well at least Boone found the dog, that's something. While he's being a moron Ethan sneaks in and kills...some guy. Uh, Ethan came in from the water, what is he? Aquaman's evil twin? Goodbye Scott Jackson from Santa Cruz, we hardly knew ye.

Everybody's treating Claire like Typhoid Mary and of course she goes to Shannon who lays it all out in undoubtedly the most brutal fashion possible. Claire snarls at Charlie that she can take care of herself, silly, silly girl.

Flashback city and Charlie looks yummy in his new business suit, but oh the call or sweet, sweet heroine is strong and he gives into temptation and swipes a Churchill...thingie. Lucy, dim girl that she is, offers to drive him to work. Poor dim girl.

Boone sharpens a stick and does not manage to cut off a finger or two in the process, good for him. Locke isn't terribly interested in going on an Ethan hunt, at least until Jack makes with the guns. Is anybody else a little freaked out by Locke's grim smile when he takes it. Betcha' he can take one of those babies apart and reassemble it blindfolded, in under two minutes. Oh my god it will make me do a happy dance around the room if he puts one between cyber-Ethan's eyes. Of course if the guy gets back up after that and keeps coming I'm hiding under the nearest blanket.

Ok, it's really wrong to almost be considering seeing Son of the Mask simply because Alan Cumming looks so incredibly cute in it. Really, really wrong.

And I'm considering watching Blind Justice, hey the commercials look good, bite me.

The boys want to use Claire as bait for Ethan and Charlie's freakin' out. Claire is hot to volunteer 'cause she doesn't remember a damn thing about just how scary he is. Charlie wants to come with but has no experience with firearms, sadly. And his flashback to his first disastrous day on the job disheartens him.

Locke wants someone else to be packin' and Jack recruits Sawyer. Kate looks miffed that she didn't get to join in on this little boys' expedition. Sawyer then produces yet another gun (remember poor Schrapnel Guy?) and it just so happens it takes the same ammo. So off they go to try to kill Ethan. I'M SURE NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG. Absolutely.

Ominous clouds roll in with accompanying scary music, and cue the rain as Claire does her best sacrificial lamb impersonation. But is she just playing along with some Ethan-inspired game? Yeah, ok, I'm sounding like Sayid who is currently up a tree and looking super sexay all wet and tense. Claire screams as Ethan pops out of the undergrowth and a chase begins. Guys, um, please to be shooting him. C'mon, just wound the bastard, he can still talk if you shoot him in the leg, promise.

Does Ethan remind anybody else of several dozen XFiles baddies or is it just me? He even has his own scary theme music. I suspect he survives by eating peoples' livers. Bastard.

Running and running and Jack does a flying tackle while losing his gun. Sawyer takes his sweet time joining in the fray. A little freaking backup here, guys! 5 points of coverage, remember? Like in the plan. Jack's not looking so good at first, but as in old fashioned kung fu movie style, he wins in the end, beating the snot out of Evil Ethan. Locke wants them to hold their fire, but apparently has no problem with Jack kicking the crap out of the guy. "Uh-uh-uh Jungle Boy, not even for one second." Sawyer, oh that just won you major points.

It's not terribly unexpected but Charlie appears, grabs Jack's discarded gun and puts about a clip's worth of bullets into Ethan. Sure not the best way to get some info about what THE HELL IS GOING ON, but c'est la vie. Charlie's got a point, "Do you really think he would've told us anything, Jack?" My money's on no, personally. I got a thrill, personally, from his bloodthirsty streak myself. Charlie goes to face Lucy, that's gutsy, man. "You'll never take care of anyone." Lucy spits then slams the door in his face. I'm unofficially labeling Charlie "Issue Boy", cause man he's got some whoppers.

Oh ick! Sayid is being cared for by Shannon. Eww, ewww, ewwwww!!!!

"I remember peanut butter. Why do I remember peanut butter?"

"It was imaginary peanut butter actually."

Aww, Claire and Charlie's sheer unadultered cuteness together erases the nastiness of Sayid and...Incest Girl. Barely, but it's enough.

And next week the love triangle that sizzles with all the raw emotional heat of a lukewarm glass of water. Kate, just freakin' sleep with the boys, would you? Or Sawyer and Jack, you two sleep with one another, ok?