Shut the hell up

[ebonlock]

Rodgers over at Kungfu Monkey comes up with the perfect way to save the theater industry:

I'm sure you've seen, the movie theater industry is now about to show live sports in order to staunch the bleeding. Theater attendance down 9% ... what to do, what to do ... how, they wail, how do we get people to go back to the movie theaters? Digital tech, bigger seats -- what?

This sort of clueless shit just reinforces the obvious truth that the people who run movie theater chains don't actually see movies in movie theaters. Because I will tell you right now, right here, how to get people to go back to seeing movies in theaters. Without disruptive technology. Without theater upgrades. All for, oh, $4.65 an hour per screen.

I will now save your industry:

Hire. Fucking. USHERS.



The number one reason that every single person I know gives for not going to the movies anymore is the annoyance of dealing with people who just don't behave in the theater. Yes, yes, theater owners, your cell phone adds are cute. But how many of us have dealt with the idiots around us who dutifully turn off their cellphones, and then turn and chat -- not whisper, fucking coffee-klatch -- with the person beside them?

At Thank You for Smoking today, just as the credits on the movie started to run, a shaft of full sunlight light hit the room. A woman had stepped to the emergency exit, stepped just outside, and was propping it open so she could finish her cell phone conversation and sneak back in.

If you were at the Century 15 today at Santa Monica and heard a guy shout, full-on-bellow "SHUT THAT DAMN DOOR!", that was me. Fuck it. I'm not going to sit there and share rueful, annoyed looks with my friends rather than be uncivil. I've had to shut up people, people having full-on conversations, at literally every movie I've gone to in the last six months.

And why, why the hell is that my job? A couple times I've gone out to get a theater staff member because I didn't want to deal, nobody ever wandered in after I asked. Not complained. Not ranted. Politely asked. At the oh so spiffy Landmark Cinemas, might I add.

Again, I know this isn't just me. Literally everyone I know, when you discuss going to a movie, winces and says"Yeah, but what's the talking like at that theater?" Or even more fun -- last night, Lovely Wife and I watched as a couple took their baby stroller in to see Inside Man. What do you think ensued?

Sweet Jesus. I've heard the excuse -- "Hey, they can't afford a sitter", or "can't get a sitter," but as my Lovely Wife said "So, wait, they can't afford a sitter, so I have to use Netflix? How is that fair?"

Look, I worked in live, drunken shows all around the world for twelve years. Comedy rooms came and went, but the one rule was that despite the local economics, the club that folded wasn't the one with a high cover charge or high operating costs. It was always the one that didn't bounce the hecklers. People associate value of experience with the value you present to them (also why you always charge a minimum cover, never do a free show). And the value of my movie-going experience is not the snack selection, it's whether or not I can just sit and enjoy the movie I just spent more than ten bucks on.

Who are you going to lose? Those chatty cathy's? Hell no. 95% of the time they will, after being asked by even a faux authority figure, shut up. And even if you start to lose them, those people are like errant bombing runs -- each one, every time they ruin a movie, creates a dozen more home-theater insurgents. You're better off without them.

When we drive to a theater, we're not going to get more comfortable seats we can't get at home, we're not going because the snack bar has food we don't have at home ...

All we want to do is watch the movie. That's it. Hit that bar first, Einsteins. Worry about the Perrier service later.

Comments

[eilonwey.livejournal.com]

This is so so true. I couldn't believe it when a guy in front of me started having a full blown cell phone conversation, without any attempt on his part to whisper. To add insult to injury, I think it was during HP & the Goblet of Fire or Narnia. (Since this was a recent occurence and I don't go to the movies very often.)

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

I would also add to this banning all babies from theaters, I'm sorry but nobody under the age of 5 can even handle sitting still for more than 5 minutes at a time, tops. And I've seen people bring infants to horror films for chrissakes. And making sure assholes don't kick the seats in front of them or proper their feet up on them. A theater is a public space, there are certain things you should not do in that space, and nobody seems to bother enforcing it these days.

[kirbyk.livejournal.com]

Preach it!

I only rarely go to movies anymore - not now that I have a nice TV and surround speakers at home. The experience is just so much more immersive, big screen be damned. They've actually lost me long term - I don't want to go back. Waiting the decreasingly short period for the theater window is just worth it, to me.

I think I went to five films last year (Harry Potter, Star Wars, Batman, Serenity, and Howl's Moving Castle.) I doubt I'll hit that many again for a long time.

[eilonwey.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on the not bringing babies to the theater thing, unless it's one of the special "mom/baby" showings that some theaters sponsor. I might bring a pre-schooler if it were something along the lines of Sponge Bob, a.k.a. a movie specifically targeted at that age group.

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

You really should see V for Vendetta at least once on the big screen I think. Yeah it'll hold up quite well on the smaller screen, but some of the effects and fight sequences really do make the whole thing seem worth while to me. Oh and John Hurts face HUGE is fun too :)

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

If they're segregated, fine, but I've sat through too many films with kids in the audience and after a few minutes of "Mom, what does that mean?" and "I'm bored." I'm ready to throttle them.

[scoreboard.livejournal.com]

Half the reason I went to the first showing was because I was convinced that 10 PM, Thursday night, was unlikely to be as packed with numbnuts social reprobates of the sort that disrupts the movie (unruly youths, mindless parents bringing toddlers, etc etc).

The other half is because I am a great whopping paste-eater when it comes to that movie and I was not about to miss it ;]

[ebonlock.livejournal.com]

See we do that too, the whole "Well I can't go to that showing 'cause it'll be full of kids." mentality. Or just wanting to minimize audience size in general to hopefully lower the chance of it being filled to capacity with assholes. It takes a helluva lot of fun out of the experience.

[jsmitty-o.livejournal.com]

There is only one way to get me back in a movie theater on a regular basis:

Lower the fucking price.

Period, paragraph.

But that will never happen because Hollywood stars are so accustomed to the high salaries they get now that they won't accept less. It's a damn shame, too, because even the most talented actor just isn't worth $20M for one fucking movie.

I'd put up with the occasional cell phone talker and baby-bringing person if it didn't cost me the price to buy a DVD for me and my partner to see a movie together. And that's *without* buying the food.

[elenderel.livejournal.com]

Right on. I haven't seen a full-price movie in the theater since 1999, largely due to the prohibitive price. And when I know if I just wait, I'll find the DVD of the same movie at my local grocery store for less, thereby eliminating my exposure to sticky floors and rude theater-goers ... why would I ever want to go waste the gas to go to a theater?

[cyranocyrano.livejournal.com]

If they get more attendees, they could justify the lower ticket prices and still give Hollywood stars their high salaries.

[ebongreen.livejournal.com]

I'll third that and posit the whole "Our Movies Are Largely Craptastic" problem as another attendance downer.

*glances rapidly through the local theater listings*

Gee, my major metropolitan area is being inundated with future classics like Aquamarine, Big Momma's House 2, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Date Movie, Failure to Launch, Final Destination 3, the new Shaggy Dog, the new The Hills Have Eyes... need I continue?

[h0h0.livejournal.com]

A-fucking-men

Also known as Homey Town Syndrome.

[elenderel.livejournal.com]

Bingo. Here's something I just tried to do, see how it works for you: Name five classics-quality, top-notch films that have come out since 2001 - films in which the stars actually earned their $567 bazillion salaries.