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ebonlockYeah, I know, I know, it had all the earmarks of a train wreck, but dammit, I'd been promised shirtless Tony Curran, and the movie actually did come through for me on that front. However...
Can't complain about the beginning as we start zoomed in on Tony (never a bad thing) in armor (awww yeah) who is the leader of the vampires checking out the slaughter of a peasant village by werewo-, er, "Lycans". Viktor's all pissy 'cause Marcus (Tony- the progenitor of the vamps, 'cause he was bitten by a bat...go with it) doesn't want them hurting his twin brother William (the progenitor of the Lycans 'cause he was bitten by a wolf, see how that works?). Even though William's a fucking psycho and he's going around slaughtering folks and turning them into other psycho Lycans.
We learn two important things in this historical sequence, first, that according to Marcus if he's killed then all of his kids (so all vamps) will die too. And second, that peasants back in the Middle Ages were extremely flammable. Fair enough. Anyhow, to make a long story short, lots of CGI Lycans fight lots of armored vamps and it's a great big CGI bloodbath, I mean literally. It made a lot of HK films I've watched seem tame by comparison. Finally Viktor screws over Marcus and fucks up William before locking him away in a super duper secret metal casket thing. Then he basically turns Marcus into his little bitch by threatening his brother and Marcus is all, "Don't you hurt my psycho Lycan brother!" And the other vamps immediately lose all respect for him and lock him under the floor at their main mansion. Or something.
Ok, when we actually get into the present I realized it would've helped if I'd actually watched the first film again before seeing this one. 'Cause you see it starts like 5 minutes after the end of the first and I was left going, "Wait, who's that?" nearly constantly. Mind you, the first one had this complicated set of political affiliations going on between the vampires and werewo-, I mean "Lycans", of course. One set of vampires was screwing over the others, and then Selene was related to this Viktor guy and he'd lied to her so she killed him. Oh, yeah, and she was hot for a hybrid by the name of Michael (Scott Speedman) who basically just seemed to run around shirtless a lot.
Right, so I managed to figure out most of this due to a series of flashbacks that basically summarized all of the main characters from the first one, though I do think that just handing out a list of the major players to everybody who walked through the door of the theater. I'd have appreciated it, that's for sure.
So Marcus manages to break free of his under the floor prison because Selene helpfully killed Viktor right on top of him. Which is good 'cause Craven was just about to kill him. Well, I mean it was good for me 'cause otherwise I'd have only gotten to see Tony at the very beginning and that would've sucked. Of course I'm not sure that Craven was up to date on the whole "kill Marcus and we all die" thing. Anyhow Marcus fucks him up before drinking the guy's blood and learns all kinds of stuff from his "blood memory" (again, go with it) then obliterates him in a spectacular bloody mess. I guess if I really remembered who Craven was and felt any sort of antipathy towards him I would've found this cathartic. As it was I mostly just thought, "Ok..."
Um, then Selene and her boy toy Michael head for a secret vampire "safe house" where they apparently do the equivalent of animal testing on Lycans. Selene tells Michael to stay put, drink his blood, and be a good boy while she goes back and kicks Craven's ass at the mansion. So of course we all know that Michael's never going to do that, 'cause blood is icky and he'd much rather head into the Eastern European town that just happens to be within easy walking distance, for dinner. Do I really have to tell you what happens next? I won't insult your intelligence, just know it all ends badly and eventually he and Selene end up smacking around some former Soviet guards in the forest.
Meanwhile Marcus has figured out where Selene and Michael are and he seems real interested in saying, "Hi." Basically he wants Mike's necklace and...something from Selene. Neither seems all that keen on hanging around to find out what's up and we get a chase scene, most of which you see in the trailers anyway so I'll just say that Selene empties a few clips into Marcus and barely slows him down so we establish very firmly that he's a badass...with big freaky wings when he wants 'em.
Suffice to say they scamper off to a sort of repair shop or factory or something. And of course having just escaped certain death at the hands of lots of baddies (in the first film and this one), what's on our heroes' minds except, well, sex. I will admit to finding the scene interesting in one way, watching somebody peel Kate out of that skintight costume, also there was a zipper on her corset. Oh and vampires don't wear underwear, also good to know.
They proceed to have amazingly dull sex, 'nuff said.
Meanwhile on a giant black ship of doom we finally get introduced to Derek Jacobi's character, Corvinus who looks rather like Sergeant Pepper's fascist twin brother. Just for future reference, the woman responsible for putting him in this abomination is Wendy Partridge. For shame, Ms. Partridge, for shame.
Anyway he's got a posse of black-clad mercs to do his bidding, though we have absolutely no clue what his bidding is for about half the film. It seems to have something to do with blowing up vampire safe houses, but that's about all I could figure out at that point. Although there was an amusing bit where the incredibly dedicated ex-Soviet goons have stumbled upon the safe house quite by accident, just in time for Corvinus' black ops team to arrive. The goons get pummeled and the black ops guys blow up the safe house then pop back in their helicopter and skedaddle. Derek is pleased.
Um, Marcus hangs upside down for a bit to remind us that he's the badass and that he was bit by a bat...or something.
Selene has some sort of wacky flashback, then realizes that she's seen Mike's necklace back when she was a little girl. Fortunately she happens to know of a vampire historian who might be able to explain to them (and us) what the hell Marcus is on about. So they drive off, and hey, how convenient that the exiled historian lives right up the road! They arrive at his monestary-turned-vampire-sex-club and while he's gettin' busy inside with two hot vamp chicks, Selene notes that the gate they encounter wasn't there when she dropped him off...300 years ago. No, really? I was stunned too. And of course the "Beware, Guard Dogs" sign all but bitch slaps the audience with what's coming next.
So yeah he's got some Lycans chained up to act as his own private defense system 'cause he was working with...oh whoever the leader of the Lycans was in the first film. I forget. Anyway, yeah, this guy wasn't real hot on Viktor and his "coven" and was supplying the Lycans with UV bullets (again, just go with it). Michael takes out about half the "guard dogs", Selene, armed only with a little knife, destroys the rest. They smack the historian Tanis around until he spills the fact that the necklace is part of a key to the tomb where they locked up William, and of course the only one who knows where the tomb is is Selene. Her dad built it, ya see, and then Viktor decided to turn her and keep her around, I dunno', for kicks I guess.
Quick aside. Now if I'm an all-powerful vamp lord and I want to make damn sure that the psycho Lycan bastard I've locked up doesn't ever, ever get loose again, I lock his ass up and then melt that key down and slaughter anybody who might know jack shit about it. But see, no key, no crazy Lycan. Melt that fucker down. Done and done.
Tanis then sends our two crazy kids off to meet Corvinus and then Marcus shows up and is understandably pissed. Best moment in the film, he tells Tanis to sit down, Tanis glances over at the UV bullets and Marcus growls, "Now that was rude." Bitch, please, like you have a chance of taking him down. And again, kill him and you die. Suffice to say Marcus gets what he wants from Tanis the hard way, like we didn't see that coming. Tony must've seriously had red stained teeth by the end of this film given the amount of faux blood goo he had in his mouth.
Selene and Mikey go aboard the black ship of doom and face down Corvinus who's apparently the father of Marcus and William, the true first immortal. Selene gets all up in his face about not keeping a better handle on his kids, and then Derek gets to do what he does best, righteous indignation! I was reminded of every Brother Cadfael episode where the sheriff would inevitably lock up the wrong guy and Derek would have to verbally spank him for being such a tool. His argument basically came down to, "They're my kids, I can't kill them." Selene thinks that's pretty damn lame, but just then Marcus shows up to smack Michael around some more. He then impales our poor hybrid, steals his necklace (the key), and then smacks Selene around and drains her sufficiently to get what he needs (the location).
He flaps off and Selene goes over to Michael who seems pretty dead. She sobs over him, brokenly, clearly unaware that he's too hot to die. More on that later.
Meanwhile Marcus goes to say hi to dad and then spill his crazy-ass plan, which I believe I can best summarize as:
1) Free William
2) ?
3) Godhood!
Mmm-kay. Dad also seems dubious which seems to annoy Marcus enough to kill the old guy. Fortunately, the writers realize that they're killing off Derek freakin Jacobi, so he takes a good, oh, 10 minutes or so to die. Plenty of time for his minions to go fetch her, and then to offer his blood to her so she can (hopefully) kick Marcus' ass. One has to wonder if Ms. Beckinsale agreed to do this film solely for the chance to suck Derek Jacobi's wrist. Anyway, she gets his blood and memories and powers and hops aboard the black ops helicopter to go take care of business. On the helicopter she leans over to unzip what I thought was maybe a weapon bag or something. No, it's Michael. Her dead hybrid boyfriend is her carry on luggage, that's messed up. Of course if you haven't figured out why he's on that helicopter by this point, I pity you profoundly.
Off to castle whatever where Marcus uses the key to free William, and it's actually kind of sweet really. I mean he could be out wreaking havoc or creating new minions, or something, instead he goes to rescue his brother. Up in the not so friendly skies Selene and the black ops boyz (or "Lycan kibble" as I like to think of them) arrive on the scene and realize they're going to have to swim through the secret passage. The boyz gear up and one offers Selene an air tank and mask and she gives him a classic, "Dude, I'm a vampire," look before diving in. They pretty quickly realize that Marcus has already shown up and done what he needed to do. The leader of the black ops team gives his guys the universal sign for "Ok, stand here and when your face gets bitten off, be so kind as to shriek and fire your weapon repeatedly as a warning to the rest of us that our deaths are imminent." Yeah so all hell breaks loose and one of the guys off handedly mentions that they only brought UV rounds.
I believe that was the moment I buried my face in my hands.
Gosh, you'd think these trained professionals might have thought about bringing along at least a few silver bullets, but alas, no. Um, they all fight and stuff, and Selene tries to hit William with her exploding throwing stars, but sadly, she rolls a one and damn near blows her own head off. Then the mortals all get turned into nutty Lycans and they're about to eat Selene when (cue heroic music) Michael returns to life and leaps from the helicopter to rescue his beloved. Yeah...never would've seen that coming.
Anyway, Michael kicks William's ass, while Selene kicks Marcus' ass with the help of the crashed helicopter. Since Selene drank Corvinus' blood she's now the the uber powerful vamp queen or something and now she can go out in the sun. Michael wanders up, shirtless, as usual, they clutch one another and gaze up into the morning sky. Then I guess they go on to have vampire/hybrid babies or something and live happily ever after. The end.
Wandering out of the theater I am reminded that this is the number one film in America, and I feel like weeping.
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no subject
Date: 2006-01-29 06:40 am (UTC)(This is probably not funny at all if you haven't played some World of Darkness, but I guessed from your post, perhaps incorrectly, that you have. And if you have . . . well, this is Underworld pretty much saying "yo, White Wolf, you can take your lawsuit about the first one and shove it where the cold, heartless blood moon doesn't shine.")
Anyway, yes. I thought it was a wonderfully funny film. Sadly, I think that the rest of the audience in the packed theater did not see it for that reason.
no subject
Date: 2006-01-29 07:13 am (UTC)My personal favorite moments were a) Tony Curran shirtless, but not bat-i-fied, 'cause yick; b) Derek Jacobi delivering the line, "The coven was never Marcus'." with a completely straight face; and c) Kate sucking Derek's wrist which left me torn between fighting back a severe case of the giggles and thinking what a lucky, lucky woman she was.
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Date: 2006-01-29 07:30 am (UTC)Craven the hunter--he's the lame bad guy in leopard skin tights that Spiderman fought sometimes.
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Date: 2006-01-29 12:41 pm (UTC)And yeah, more good giggling moments too. I can't say it wasn't a funny movie . . .
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Date: 2006-01-30 06:53 am (UTC)Um, how come they don't die???
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Date: 2006-01-30 04:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 04:31 pm (UTC)Is that a rhetorical question? If not I can try to explain it in terms of the movie's "logic" if you like.
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Date: 2006-01-30 04:38 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 05:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 06:06 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 06:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-01-30 07:04 pm (UTC)But, that said, I knew that Underworld: Evolution couldn't be anything but pure schlock. And, expecting that, I'm looking forward to it coming out on DVD so I can rent it from Netflix then send it back guilt-free and under the illusion that I didn't really pay money for it, so won't give the moviemakers the impression they should make a third one. :)
But your review was humor and entertainment in its own right. Thanks for writing it up. :)
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Date: 2006-01-31 12:31 am (UTC)Er. That was me.
Date: 2006-01-31 12:32 am (UTC)Re: Er. That was me.
Date: 2006-01-31 04:54 pm (UTC)