ebonlock | Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.

It occurred to me this weekend that, at last, I'm back to the same mindset about relationships as I was when I first moved out here. They seem nice enough, and I adore it when my friends find just the right person to make them incredibly happy...but, I don't think I personally want one. It hit me as strange because, for the past year + I've been so sad and lonely and depressed that I didn't have one, and now I couldn't care less. It's mind boggling, really, and the fact that it kind of snuck up on me and took weeks for me to even notice kind of surprised me too.

Frankly, I couldn't be happier. See there are people in this world who function better when they're in a relationship. They're happier, their world view is more positive, they just seem to truly come alive when they're in love. I am not one of those people. I used to think that this was some sort of deficit, a lack, a genetic flaw perhaps. Indeed for many years I felt as though I were completely incapable of love at all and very happily existed without it. Then I fell in love for the first time and realized I actually could feel that way towards another person. I wasn't some sort of mutant after all, and all the rationalizations I'd created for not falling for anyone kind of evaporated. I was humbled by my own heart, and lord did I need that.

It was a hard lesson, but I lost a lot of pretentions and self delusions and I appreciate that intensely. Not all, mind you, I still have more than enough in other areas, but it's a start. Now I know I can feel that way about another person, but honestly I just don't want to. Maybe I will again in some future time when the "right" person strolls into my life, I'm not discounting the possibility. I'm just saying that if it never happens again I'm going to be totally ok with that, and that makes me very happy.

And now that I've gotten that out of my system, how about a weekend update? We've decided that

aelfsciene and I are a dangerous combination when it comes to spending money. The weekend involved shopping, shopping, and more shopping, though we'll both swear up and down that we needed every single item we purchased. Ok, I did actually need my new purse, the old one was quite literally unravelling. And the costume stuff we do need to work on before Halloween, so that part was very necessary. And I did pick up some gifts I've been meaning to...but the rest was sheer self indulgence.

And this coming weekend is going to be even worse, I can feel it now. Desert Dance Festival is going to be filled with irresistible goodies for me to throw money at. I have to get two good half circle veils, this is my quest, and I'd like to check out swords because sword dancing sounds like a lot of fun to me and I think I've got a fairly good grasp on many of the isolations I'd need for it. But that's it. I've got plenty of costumes and I really don't need more right now. Hell, I don't have anywhere to put more even if I did get them. So that's it, I'm not spending more than that. Really. I'm not. Dammit.

I'm doomed, huh?

*sigh*