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Color commentary by Jon Stewart
Nov. 10th, 2004 08:50 amSo, um, hockey last night...of a sort. I mean I didn't go in expecting the Barons to blow my socks off or anything but I thought they might, you know, show up and play a decent game. Fortunately the election last week was such a huge disappointment that it prepared me quite well for last night's game. I didn't feel a thing.
The one highlight of the night was the Baron's mascot, Slapshark (yeah, I know, I know) came out on the ice, promptly fell over, and attempted to make it look like they meant to do it. Then down came Sharkie from the rafters and the two embraced like long lost loves. When Slapshark jumped into Sharkie's arms I leaned over to Aelf and muttered, "Hot shark on shark action." It made us giggle for most of the evening.
The first period was mostly ok, though it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the team, while weak in regular play, became downright feeble with a one man advantage. Yes you read that correctly, their power play puts that of the Sharks into very clear perspective. I kept praying the other team wouldn't figure this out and start creating penalties to give themselves a completely illogical (but very real) advantage.
The first goal was so very, very weak that Nabby would have slit his own throat with one of his skate blades right there on the ice had it been made on him. The Roadrunners (yeah, I know, I know) couldn't even believe it.
Surely, we all thought, this will wake the team up, sadly no. The second period was even more dismal. I took to imagining Jon Stewart doing color commentary on the events just to keep myself from getting up and leaving. "And our team...well...we can't, uh, pass. Nope, not so good with the passing. Puck handling, weak at best." As the second goal was scored I could almost see him on the jumbo-tron slowly lowering his head to the desk and groaning with pain because that is precisely what I wanted to do.
By the third period the Barons were showing a bit of desperation and decided what the hell, let's just throw the puck at the general direction of their goal and hope for something good to happen. Not my favorite solution, but hey, they were doing something so good for them. But it appeared that the Barons had somehow offended the hockey gods and even shots that should have gone in were being deflected away as if the Roadrunner's goalie was effectively using the Force.
The saddest part was that every time we'd go on a power play a good portion of the audience would gamely cheer and make the "jaws" motions, like a bunch of abused spouses chanting, "This time will be different, this time things have really changed." You poor, deluded bastards.
So, anyway, I got to see a live hockey game for the first time in ages and yet somehow I feel that the $5 I spent could have given me more pleasure if I'd indulged in a tall mocha Frappaccino.
The one highlight of the night was the Baron's mascot, Slapshark (yeah, I know, I know) came out on the ice, promptly fell over, and attempted to make it look like they meant to do it. Then down came Sharkie from the rafters and the two embraced like long lost loves. When Slapshark jumped into Sharkie's arms I leaned over to Aelf and muttered, "Hot shark on shark action." It made us giggle for most of the evening.
The first period was mostly ok, though it proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the team, while weak in regular play, became downright feeble with a one man advantage. Yes you read that correctly, their power play puts that of the Sharks into very clear perspective. I kept praying the other team wouldn't figure this out and start creating penalties to give themselves a completely illogical (but very real) advantage.
The first goal was so very, very weak that Nabby would have slit his own throat with one of his skate blades right there on the ice had it been made on him. The Roadrunners (yeah, I know, I know) couldn't even believe it.
Surely, we all thought, this will wake the team up, sadly no. The second period was even more dismal. I took to imagining Jon Stewart doing color commentary on the events just to keep myself from getting up and leaving. "And our team...well...we can't, uh, pass. Nope, not so good with the passing. Puck handling, weak at best." As the second goal was scored I could almost see him on the jumbo-tron slowly lowering his head to the desk and groaning with pain because that is precisely what I wanted to do.
By the third period the Barons were showing a bit of desperation and decided what the hell, let's just throw the puck at the general direction of their goal and hope for something good to happen. Not my favorite solution, but hey, they were doing something so good for them. But it appeared that the Barons had somehow offended the hockey gods and even shots that should have gone in were being deflected away as if the Roadrunner's goalie was effectively using the Force.
The saddest part was that every time we'd go on a power play a good portion of the audience would gamely cheer and make the "jaws" motions, like a bunch of abused spouses chanting, "This time will be different, this time things have really changed." You poor, deluded bastards.
So, anyway, I got to see a live hockey game for the first time in ages and yet somehow I feel that the $5 I spent could have given me more pleasure if I'd indulged in a tall mocha Frappaccino.
