![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ebonlockWeird radio morning, not only heard an odd and somewhat obscure Depeche Mode tune I happen to enjoy, but also heard that Robert Palmer died in Paris, I guess of a heart attack. He was 54. I think I need to go home and put on a few cd's after I pick J- up at the airport tonight. Wish I'd known, I'd have brought all mine with me and listened to them in the car today. And worn black, of course, which is mandatory when one of your 80's icons dies.
I don't generally succumb to loneliness, indeed I tend to bask in my independence and solitary nature. I like doing things on my own and ultimately when I picture what my life will be in the future I picture it alone. Now this wasn't true when I first moved out here. For about two years I felt intensely lonely and combatted it in some arguably stupid ways. Made a huge mess of a relationship, which still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Got caught up in another friend's health crisis. Threw myself into socializing with an almost manic intensity. And despite all that, I still felt lonely.
But I seemed to have turned a corner this year, where I returned to a degree of contentment with being alone. I'm not sure if this is a sort of regression. I mean I'd wanted to move out here and start a new life, go in a new direction, make some positive changes. But, I find myself going back to my old habits, retreating into a bit of a shell, reinstituting a lot of emotional walls.
On the other hand, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. I mean maybe that is who I am, when it comes right down to it. Perhaps it is my nature, and trying to fight it is just silly. Goddess knows I'm a lot more stable, content, and relaxed in this lifestyle than I was in the other.
Should I be striving for "more"? I don't know. But I do know I really like the little group of friends I have out here. I like to make time for them and I like it when they make time for me. I like having a roommate who's often more like a long lost sibling, and two silly cats that sometimes make me laugh, and sometimes make me want to rip my hair out.
In short I like my life, just as it is. A little more money and time might be nice, but I really can't complain. And while I read about others' romantic relationships and some part of me wonders what that kind of thing might be like, I realize that it's just not for me. Perhaps that makes me a bit of a freak, if so, I can live with that too.
Wow, that was more long winded than I'd expected, sorry about that, if you're still reading this I now return you to your regularly scheduled post.
I almost bowed out of class last night, but my rational mind kept saying, "Yes I know you're tired, but we both know you need to unload some stress and that dancing will make you feel 110% better so just go do it already." And so I did. Apparently most of the rest of the class took the night off, but![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eilonwey, silkblade, myself and two others showed up so we had lots of room to move. Started doing some drills and working on a choreography element that I quite liked. Then ran our regular choreographies until we were all sweating and panting with exertion. Then came veil class and oh lord did I ever feel it last night. My left arm in particular was screaming by the end of it.
Still, we got a lot of work in and I think we're all feeling at least a little more secure that we haven't totally lost our abilities where veil work is concerned. I was also quite pleased that everyone seemed to like the song I'd picked out to choreograph something to. And that my ideas for it didn't sound too wacky. Sometimes I can get a bit too overenthusiastic, you see. I liked what we came up with last night and will be fascinated to see where it goes from here.
But I think the thing I enjoy the most about the classes is the sense of comraderie we have with one another. It's almost like being on a team, you know? We all pull for one another, help each other out and support each other. It adds another level to the sheer enjoyment of the dancing itself, and the welcome exercise it provides.
And it is so nice to go home after two solid hours of dance feeling relaxed and happy and just physically exhausted enough to drop right off to sleep.
I don't generally succumb to loneliness, indeed I tend to bask in my independence and solitary nature. I like doing things on my own and ultimately when I picture what my life will be in the future I picture it alone. Now this wasn't true when I first moved out here. For about two years I felt intensely lonely and combatted it in some arguably stupid ways. Made a huge mess of a relationship, which still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Got caught up in another friend's health crisis. Threw myself into socializing with an almost manic intensity. And despite all that, I still felt lonely.
But I seemed to have turned a corner this year, where I returned to a degree of contentment with being alone. I'm not sure if this is a sort of regression. I mean I'd wanted to move out here and start a new life, go in a new direction, make some positive changes. But, I find myself going back to my old habits, retreating into a bit of a shell, reinstituting a lot of emotional walls.
On the other hand, maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. I mean maybe that is who I am, when it comes right down to it. Perhaps it is my nature, and trying to fight it is just silly. Goddess knows I'm a lot more stable, content, and relaxed in this lifestyle than I was in the other.
Should I be striving for "more"? I don't know. But I do know I really like the little group of friends I have out here. I like to make time for them and I like it when they make time for me. I like having a roommate who's often more like a long lost sibling, and two silly cats that sometimes make me laugh, and sometimes make me want to rip my hair out.
In short I like my life, just as it is. A little more money and time might be nice, but I really can't complain. And while I read about others' romantic relationships and some part of me wonders what that kind of thing might be like, I realize that it's just not for me. Perhaps that makes me a bit of a freak, if so, I can live with that too.
Wow, that was more long winded than I'd expected, sorry about that, if you're still reading this I now return you to your regularly scheduled post.
I almost bowed out of class last night, but my rational mind kept saying, "Yes I know you're tired, but we both know you need to unload some stress and that dancing will make you feel 110% better so just go do it already." And so I did. Apparently most of the rest of the class took the night off, but
eilonwey, silkblade, myself and two others showed up so we had lots of room to move. Started doing some drills and working on a choreography element that I quite liked. Then ran our regular choreographies until we were all sweating and panting with exertion. Then came veil class and oh lord did I ever feel it last night. My left arm in particular was screaming by the end of it.Still, we got a lot of work in and I think we're all feeling at least a little more secure that we haven't totally lost our abilities where veil work is concerned. I was also quite pleased that everyone seemed to like the song I'd picked out to choreograph something to. And that my ideas for it didn't sound too wacky. Sometimes I can get a bit too overenthusiastic, you see. I liked what we came up with last night and will be fascinated to see where it goes from here.
But I think the thing I enjoy the most about the classes is the sense of comraderie we have with one another. It's almost like being on a team, you know? We all pull for one another, help each other out and support each other. It adds another level to the sheer enjoyment of the dancing itself, and the welcome exercise it provides.
And it is so nice to go home after two solid hours of dance feeling relaxed and happy and just physically exhausted enough to drop right off to sleep.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-09-26 09:35 am (UTC)I guess what I'm trying to say very badly is: don't wall yourself off entirely from what can be a very beautiful (and painful) part of life. At the same time, I think it's wonderful that for the time being you have created your own happiness.
And I like what you said about the comraderie of dancing. I feel that, too. It was fun looking in the mirror and dancing with you during Choqruaine and PofC.
Oh, and I felt pretty pathetic during veil class last night. But at least I remembered how to grab my veils out of an airplane spin by the end of class. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-26 10:05 am (UTC)I think that's why I like dancing with groups better than dancing alone. You can get some feedback from the audience, but nothing like the grins and giggles you get from the folks dancing with you. I kinda missed doing PofC back to back, though, getting the other person to crack up when you're dancing with them is half the fun!
Oh, and I felt pretty pathetic during veil class last night. But at least I remembered how to grab my veils out of an airplane spin by the end of class. :)
Bah, we should all be so "pathetic", ye gods girl you're my spinning hero, if I could get half the control I'd be quite content. We're all a bit out of shape and we've got to get our bodies back up to the condition they were in before if we want to expect them to perform like they used to, you know? We'll get there, we just need to be determined and focused and I think, goal-oriented. I think we could be ready to perform at the next DDF, don't you?
waaaaaah
Date: 2003-09-26 11:49 am (UTC)And even though I haven't done much for the last month, I'm jumping back into things with the performance tonight; good thing "Honey & Wine" is a no-brainer at this point! ^_^;
Plus, I've found a piece for a new solo, and must play it for more people. ^_^
Re: waaaaaah
Date: 2003-09-26 11:57 am (UTC)Good luck with the performance tonight. I'm sure that it will go well. I wish that I could be there, but I'm making myself attend Rosh Hashanah services for the first time in years, so won't be able to make it.
I look forward to hearing your new solo piece.
*hug*
Date: 2003-09-26 05:41 pm (UTC)About loneliness.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-27 03:02 pm (UTC)Some people are simply happier and more comfortable when they do not feel obliged to form permanent romantic entanglements. I think this has always been true, but in this day and age there are fewer socially recognized methods of doing this. There's no reason to feel like you are closing off opportunities. As much as I love my husband, there are times when I see (and sometimes miss) what I have given up in terms of independence and flexibility to be authentically in a relationship with him (as opposed to being merely in a relationship *near* him.) It's a trade off either way. The important thing is to do what makes you feel the most genuinely happily yourself, and who cares what "should" and "ought" have to say about it?