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If My F-List Wrote DH
Lupin comes for a visit and supplants his wife as the Worst Character Ever Written. Remus/Tonks shippers make sadfaces. Lupin slashers find themselves Confused because they're supposed to hate Tonks, but omg leaving a wife and baby? That's just Not On! Even if your wife is a Mary Sue! This scene goes on for an excruciatingly long time. It is immediately followed by commentary on how irresponsible Tonks was for getting pregnant during a war. Anyone who mentions that Remus might also be irresponsible (especially if it involves pointing out that he once forgot his medicine and almost ate some people) is immediately flagged as an Enemy of the State.
Meanwhile, Neville is at Hogwarts kicking ass and taking names.
[...]
There's a little bit of downtime, and Tonks gives birth to Teddy Ruxpin. And Lupin is so cute about it that even the slashers can't help but go "awww". Maybe. Just a little. But everyone forgives him for being a prat earlier because he's Lupin and everyone loves him.
[...]
Someone dies.
... wait, what? Someone died? Half of fandom flips back and re-reads. Colin, Fred, Remus, and Tonks all died within the space of about two words and obviously had NO POINT WHATSOEVER. Anyone who suggests otherwise is an Enemy of the State. Fandom inserts a 100 page moment of silence.
Okay, dead people are boring, back to the action. The action, of course, being Severus Snape. Harry watches Voldemort kill him, and then kneels beside him and Snape says, "Harry, I am your..." Okay, no he doesn't. He just spills penseive juice into a goblet and then dies. Well, probably.
The next third of the book is a chapter all about Snape and how he was in looooooove with Lily. This may or may not have been preceded with the warning, "may cause nausea." But then Snape says, hey maybe I wasn't in love with her, maybe it was just the guilt. And this goes back and forth for a long time until people decide they want to see how the book ends. Well, except for a few who yell BUT SNAPE IS DEAD IT IS ALL OVER and fling themselves off of buttresses.
[...]
All of that was in the first 300 pages of the book and the remaining 400 are the epilogue, which may be written in crayon, and may or may not have been uploaded by JKR onto fanfiction.net many years ago.
And this interview with JKR about DH is fairly interesting, except that I'm left growling, "Wait, you felt you needed to kill off a dad so rather than Arthur you whacked Remus off-camera? Oh sure that's fair..." And she'll apparently be writing "Hogwarts: A History", anyone surprised that she's going to continue in the Potter-verse please raise your hand.
Finally progress has been made on the threatened Snape/Lily mix tentatively titled "Always", as last night I found Snape's death song, Calexico's "Black Heart". Here's the line that sold me:
Spring is frozen now I’m stuck in low
Wrapped with wire, tapped to the heart
Can’t find no poison, now I’ve got no cure
(The) fangs are stuck inside my skin
I am deeply and profoundly pleased by this find. And since LJ fell over and died I spent the Amazon gift certificate that had been burning a hole in my pocket for days. Finally picked up a copy of Abbey Road (please don't ask me why I don't own this already, I have no idea) and a Led Zeppelin two disc set I'd been eyeing for a while. The former was necessary because "Oh! Darlin'" is going on the Always mix, oh yes it is. The latter is necessary 'cause I only previously owned LZ in tape format and that's just not right.
And tonight there will be OotP, and Snape and Lupin goodness. Life doesn't get much better than that.
Lupin comes for a visit and supplants his wife as the Worst Character Ever Written. Remus/Tonks shippers make sadfaces. Lupin slashers find themselves Confused because they're supposed to hate Tonks, but omg leaving a wife and baby? That's just Not On! Even if your wife is a Mary Sue! This scene goes on for an excruciatingly long time. It is immediately followed by commentary on how irresponsible Tonks was for getting pregnant during a war. Anyone who mentions that Remus might also be irresponsible (especially if it involves pointing out that he once forgot his medicine and almost ate some people) is immediately flagged as an Enemy of the State.
Meanwhile, Neville is at Hogwarts kicking ass and taking names.
[...]
There's a little bit of downtime, and Tonks gives birth to Teddy Ruxpin. And Lupin is so cute about it that even the slashers can't help but go "awww". Maybe. Just a little. But everyone forgives him for being a prat earlier because he's Lupin and everyone loves him.
[...]
Someone dies.
... wait, what? Someone died? Half of fandom flips back and re-reads. Colin, Fred, Remus, and Tonks all died within the space of about two words and obviously had NO POINT WHATSOEVER. Anyone who suggests otherwise is an Enemy of the State. Fandom inserts a 100 page moment of silence.
Okay, dead people are boring, back to the action. The action, of course, being Severus Snape. Harry watches Voldemort kill him, and then kneels beside him and Snape says, "Harry, I am your..." Okay, no he doesn't. He just spills penseive juice into a goblet and then dies. Well, probably.
The next third of the book is a chapter all about Snape and how he was in looooooove with Lily. This may or may not have been preceded with the warning, "may cause nausea." But then Snape says, hey maybe I wasn't in love with her, maybe it was just the guilt. And this goes back and forth for a long time until people decide they want to see how the book ends. Well, except for a few who yell BUT SNAPE IS DEAD IT IS ALL OVER and fling themselves off of buttresses.
[...]
All of that was in the first 300 pages of the book and the remaining 400 are the epilogue, which may be written in crayon, and may or may not have been uploaded by JKR onto fanfiction.net many years ago.
And this interview with JKR about DH is fairly interesting, except that I'm left growling, "Wait, you felt you needed to kill off a dad so rather than Arthur you whacked Remus off-camera? Oh sure that's fair..." And she'll apparently be writing "Hogwarts: A History", anyone surprised that she's going to continue in the Potter-verse please raise your hand.
Finally progress has been made on the threatened Snape/Lily mix tentatively titled "Always", as last night I found Snape's death song, Calexico's "Black Heart". Here's the line that sold me:
Spring is frozen now I’m stuck in low
Wrapped with wire, tapped to the heart
Can’t find no poison, now I’ve got no cure
(The) fangs are stuck inside my skin
I am deeply and profoundly pleased by this find. And since LJ fell over and died I spent the Amazon gift certificate that had been burning a hole in my pocket for days. Finally picked up a copy of Abbey Road (please don't ask me why I don't own this already, I have no idea) and a Led Zeppelin two disc set I'd been eyeing for a while. The former was necessary because "Oh! Darlin'" is going on the Always mix, oh yes it is. The latter is necessary 'cause I only previously owned LZ in tape format and that's just not right.
And tonight there will be OotP, and Snape and Lupin goodness. Life doesn't get much better than that.
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It probably won't feed into your ships at all, but...I think it'll maybe address some of your gripes. :)
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(Of course, this will mean no writing tonight, but there is always this weekend :)
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Have you let C-- know? You should let C-- know, since he hasn't seen OotP at all yet. He may want to join. :)
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