ebonlock: (Bollocks!)
[personal profile] ebonlock

I'm pretty sure there was something like a plot going on but I swear to god I have no idea what it was. The most interesting bit is that I was raised on Greek mythology. Most kids were hearing about Winnie the Pooh I was sleeping in a bed covered in carved, painted renditions of the adventures of Theseus, Perseus, Heracles, the Minotaur and Kracken and of course the gods. So when I say I can't follow a film that is supposedly based on Greek mythology you know just how off-book this crazy mish-mash of a film was.

I'm not even making this up, I would step away from the TV for a second or two, look back and be like, "WTF? What just...Who is that? What the hell is going on?" We'd get some exposition from a character and by the end I'd be twice as confused as I had been in the beginning. For example:

Zeus: "So none of you gods are allowed to ever be seen by the mortals and you have to stay out of their affairs. They either stand or fall on their own. They must adapt to survive."

Some God in a truly goofy headpiece: "Um, question. Didn't you spend the first part of the film schooling him in the guise of an old man."

Zeus: "Well yeah, but I was disguised. And also I'm king of the gods. Further, you will not do this for...reasons. And in summation, because I said so."

Some God: "...Um, ok, but if memory serves Poseidon is kind of his dad so..."

Zeus: "No, nope, his mom was raped by some generic villagers."

Some God: "Woah, ok we're totally off book then."

Zeus: "Just go with it."

Our movie begins not too terribly unlike the original Conan the Barbarian, swerves into Clash of the Titans then zips into Helms Deep from Two Towers (with a bit of Stomp thrown in, again, not making this up). There's something about a really bitter king who's after a magic bow, which as it turns out, is straight out of the old CBS Dungeons & Dragons animated series. Yep, it's basically Hank the Ranger's bow.

Good guy finds bow, good guy loses bow, there are some 300-esque slow-mo battles, the virgin oracle sexes up our hero because she's apparently tired of being able to see the future and, you know, stop crazy bad shit from happening. Or something. Big bad goes to Tartarus (an actual city sitting behind what kind of looks like the Hoover Dam) to free the Titans because why the hell not? Zeus kills Ares(?) who intervenes to save the goodies with his sledgehammer of justice (again, wish to god I was making this up) but not his blonde hottie daughter, Athena, who gave our heroes a couple of rockin' horses...though the horses do die :(

The titans are released and the gods show up in cute matching gold armor to fight them and I can't help thinking it might not have been such a clever idea to kill off the god of war because he was a bit naughty. Still, getting to see Athena doing more than standing around pouting like a supermodel was kind of nice. Would've been cool to actually get introduced to them before they got into the boss fight with the titans so you'd actually feel something for them except for, "Hey, do you suppose that was Poseidon? I mean he's fighting with a trident so..."

Finally it's Theseus versus Hyperion/Olympians versus Titans/Hellenic army versus Hyperion army. Things are looking grim for the good guys who, like in any good Jackie Chan film are getting the snot beaten out of them in their respective boss fights. All the gods save Zeus get their asses handed to them so Zeus goes all "Fuck you bitches!" and pulls the mountain down on the titans (taking his hot daughter's body with him - and the sexual tension between the two is off the charts creepy at this point). Said mountain destruction also takes out Hyperion's army, the Hellenic army, Theseus but apparently not the oracle hottie 'cause she goes on to have their son. Zeus again goes down to earth 'cause he gets to meddle and then we're treated to an up-skirt battle in heaven sequence where there are gods and titans and some guys in red capes and apparently everybody who died in the last boss fight is back and...


I'm kind of torn between getting this film out of my house as fast as I possibly can and keeping it to inflict upon others because this pain should be shared.

Decisions, decisions.
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